Father's Day is bittersweet for me...it always has been! My father passed away suddenly and unexpectedly on August 2, 2006. I don't know how you ever fully grieve that kind of loss. No matter what kind of man or father he might have been that kind of a loss is so very hard to process. I don't think I ever have fully processed that. Life went on and a month later I got very ill and had to fight for my own life. And fight I did!
I struggle so much with his death because I don't think that he ever fought hard enough in this life for himself or for his daughters. I think he gave up on himself a long time before he and I ever met. I think that maybe at first, I was good for him and his life. And then along came my sister, and the responsibilities of life and having a family just became too much. And a lifetime before us of abuse and alcoholism took over, and we lost him.
I had lost him so many times before August 2, 2006. I lost him the first time I found him passed out drunk with a Jim Beam bottle in his hand. I lost him every time he promised me something, while he was drunk, that never came true. I lost him when he moved out when I was 11. I lost him again weeks before my 14th birthday.
Our paths crossed over the years many time. I was the dutiful daughter and I called every Sunday, just like a good girl did because he expected that. He always expected so much of us when he gave so little to us. I loved him through it all. I loved him when he didn't deserve it and when it didn't feel like he loved me back. I loved him in spite of who he was. I loved him because he was my Daddy.
I don't think fathers or mothers totally understand the real influence they have on their children until maybe when they become parents themselves. Unfortunately, sometimes we realize it after years of doing the wrong things. I know I have spent so much time not making the same mistakes he did, that I have made million other ones. I believed that if I didn't drink and I didn't get divorced, then everything would be fine.
If only life stayed as simple as it does when you are a child. Cut and dry. Easy. Simple.
In the last few years of his life, my Dad returned to me again. Our Sunday calls were always something that I look forward to. Only today, looking back now, I realize that those could have been in person visits. He only lived an hour from me! Yet, getting together was such a chore. That makes me sad. I wasn't even worth a drive...
But, we must forgive and move on...or I will find myself in another rage or fit over all the things he didn't do or couldn't do. I believe they might be one in the same. I miss him. I miss his voice and the friendship he offered me. He might not have been the best Dad, but he was a good friend. Someone I could talk to about anything...and we argued! But, I guess that what was what we did!
~k
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Monday, June 6, 2011
Dog Days of Summer
I have waited for this day for months now...Talent Show? OVER! Sixth Grade Salute? Over! Last Day of School? Over! End of year Pool Party? OVER! Finals? OVER! Dance Recital Rehearsal? OVER! Dance Recital? OVER! Basketball Tournament? OVER! And this wall in just the last 5 days! I don't think when you have kids you ever wonder about what the end of the school year will look like for you and your kids! So much to do...so little time! Oh, and I've got a full-time job that ALWAYS has a project going on at the exact same time! I typically remain tired...but I have to admit...I have felt whipped!
Ryan unexpectedly showed up at Jakob's game today! It was a nice surprise! It was a great afternoon...until we got home. There was no one else around and as soon as he figured out he didn't have a room to return to, the attitude kicked in. I stayed calm for as long as I could. There was not a lot of remorse or even sadness on his part. I kept telling myself, "He's just a kid". My head knows this...my heart doesn't!
This has got to be the WORST part of parenting. Loving them so much and wanting to protect them, torn only by your own survival instincts. I pray that he will find his way and can live under our roof within the confines of our rules. Be respectful. Do as your told. Pass your classes. Finish high school. We shall see...only time will tell. I do know that I won't let it go where it went before. I have to learn that being right isn't always as important as loving him. He's going to be a jerk...it's his hormones and age that rule that. I have learn to 'guide' not 'command'.
We need to take a test and drive times to get a driver's license...we should be required to do the same before we can have kids! Every kid is as different as every parent. It's all personalities, genes and hormones all rolled in to one! It's hard. It shouldn't have to be this hard. But, I guess it's true...sometimes love just isn't enough...or at least it's not the ONLY piece of the puzzle. It might be the best...but you can definitely LOVE someone and NOT like them!
I just pray for strength and wisdom. Maybe I need to apply the AA mantra to my real life...
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
I think I will memorize this....and recite it to myself in the moments when I want to just GO OFF! I'll let you know how that works out...I'm hoping to find the time to blog and write over the summer! I've got to keep my dream alive!
~k
Ryan unexpectedly showed up at Jakob's game today! It was a nice surprise! It was a great afternoon...until we got home. There was no one else around and as soon as he figured out he didn't have a room to return to, the attitude kicked in. I stayed calm for as long as I could. There was not a lot of remorse or even sadness on his part. I kept telling myself, "He's just a kid". My head knows this...my heart doesn't!
This has got to be the WORST part of parenting. Loving them so much and wanting to protect them, torn only by your own survival instincts. I pray that he will find his way and can live under our roof within the confines of our rules. Be respectful. Do as your told. Pass your classes. Finish high school. We shall see...only time will tell. I do know that I won't let it go where it went before. I have to learn that being right isn't always as important as loving him. He's going to be a jerk...it's his hormones and age that rule that. I have learn to 'guide' not 'command'.
We need to take a test and drive times to get a driver's license...we should be required to do the same before we can have kids! Every kid is as different as every parent. It's all personalities, genes and hormones all rolled in to one! It's hard. It shouldn't have to be this hard. But, I guess it's true...sometimes love just isn't enough...or at least it's not the ONLY piece of the puzzle. It might be the best...but you can definitely LOVE someone and NOT like them!
I just pray for strength and wisdom. Maybe I need to apply the AA mantra to my real life...
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
I think I will memorize this....and recite it to myself in the moments when I want to just GO OFF! I'll let you know how that works out...I'm hoping to find the time to blog and write over the summer! I've got to keep my dream alive!
~k
Thursday, June 2, 2011
The Places You'll Go
It's been a hectic last few months...end of school, finals, TAKS results, PCE Talent Show, 6th grade salute...all activities and things going on with the kids...then there is work, life, basketball, spring football, dance recitals, etc! It's a busy busy life we lead! Three kids, two dogs and a niece all living under our roof! Something is bound to go wrong right...just the law of physics...or maybe it's Murphy's Law...seems when you have the most to do...the most unexpected things happen, too!
My oldest isn't living with us right now. I'm angry at him and I'm sad. I miss him so much but at the same time know that he can't live here with us right now. I just have to get through this week for my other two kids and then figure things out with him later. Sometimes it's just all too much! Too much life...too much attitude...too much wanting to be an adult when he's not! I don't presume to know everything that is going on in his 'I'll be 17 in a month' brain.
He's pushing. I'm pushing. He's pulling. I'm pushing. It's my job right? To set expectations and place limits. It's his job to challenge them within reason. He's gone outside the realm of what is reasonable and is in the land of 'I just don't care'. Jakob graduated from 6th grade tonight. It should have been a family occasion, only Ryan wasn't there. In fact, he hasn't reached out to his brother or sister at all since this all went down. That makes me so sad...sad for him, sad for them...how much responsibility and accountability do I have to take in all this? Half? Three quarters? When do we tell our kids, you know what? These are YOUR choices, these are YOUR decisions, they are the WRONG ones but own them.
I never had any idea that parenting would be the most difficult thing EVER. You love someone more than you ever thought physically possible. You worry. You obsess. You borrow trouble every time you turn around. You want things to be easier than you had them, better than you had them. But, unfortunately, graciousness can't be taught to those who have never gone with out. It's such a double edge sword. Having him gone is so hard for me. I cried most of the day today. But, in the end, he didn't even try to come.
If he had called and asked to come, of course I would have let him. He needs to learn to be there for his little brother and sister, yet the only priority on his mind, is him. Which I guess is the definition of being a teenager, but it's still unacceptable. We all do things we don't want to do EVERY single day...whether it's going to school or work...but we all have jobs to do.
I'm sure I'm rambling and making no sense...it's late. I'm emotionally and physically drained. I don't have any answers and I find myself with more questions daily....I guess all I can do is really try to 'Let Go, Let God'. I can't control it .... I never could...I miss my boy though! It just seems he doesn't miss us...and that hurts more than anything else!
~k
My oldest isn't living with us right now. I'm angry at him and I'm sad. I miss him so much but at the same time know that he can't live here with us right now. I just have to get through this week for my other two kids and then figure things out with him later. Sometimes it's just all too much! Too much life...too much attitude...too much wanting to be an adult when he's not! I don't presume to know everything that is going on in his 'I'll be 17 in a month' brain.
He's pushing. I'm pushing. He's pulling. I'm pushing. It's my job right? To set expectations and place limits. It's his job to challenge them within reason. He's gone outside the realm of what is reasonable and is in the land of 'I just don't care'. Jakob graduated from 6th grade tonight. It should have been a family occasion, only Ryan wasn't there. In fact, he hasn't reached out to his brother or sister at all since this all went down. That makes me so sad...sad for him, sad for them...how much responsibility and accountability do I have to take in all this? Half? Three quarters? When do we tell our kids, you know what? These are YOUR choices, these are YOUR decisions, they are the WRONG ones but own them.
I never had any idea that parenting would be the most difficult thing EVER. You love someone more than you ever thought physically possible. You worry. You obsess. You borrow trouble every time you turn around. You want things to be easier than you had them, better than you had them. But, unfortunately, graciousness can't be taught to those who have never gone with out. It's such a double edge sword. Having him gone is so hard for me. I cried most of the day today. But, in the end, he didn't even try to come.
If he had called and asked to come, of course I would have let him. He needs to learn to be there for his little brother and sister, yet the only priority on his mind, is him. Which I guess is the definition of being a teenager, but it's still unacceptable. We all do things we don't want to do EVERY single day...whether it's going to school or work...but we all have jobs to do.
I'm sure I'm rambling and making no sense...it's late. I'm emotionally and physically drained. I don't have any answers and I find myself with more questions daily....I guess all I can do is really try to 'Let Go, Let God'. I can't control it .... I never could...I miss my boy though! It just seems he doesn't miss us...and that hurts more than anything else!
~k
Monday, May 9, 2011
Judds vs. Rays
I have always been fascinated with Wynonna and Naomi Judd. I remember going to a Judd concert, with my then best friend, Lee Ann and singing along to every song. Wanting to be on that stage, but knowing that I can't carry a tune, that dream was just a bit of envy really. But, what I think I wanted more than anything, was to share something so profound with my mom.
Little did any of us know that the Mother/Daughter duo was anything but happy behind the scenes! There was enough hurt and heartache going on to fill up one of their sold out shows! How sad! How sad that something that was bringing millions of fans so much happiness was literally tearing them apart!
The mother/daughter relationship is probably the most complex in the world. No one can love you more than your own mother, it would seem. But it also suffices to say, no one can hurt you as much either. It can be literally through words or behavior, or it can be more subtle through lack of involvement or caring. Either way, that relationship can be the tie that binds or the straw that breaks the camels back. It still amazes me that we need a license to drive, hunt or fish, but ANYONE can become parents!
I've been watching the Judd's on OWN and am fascinated by the dynamics of that family in relation to my own. There were three Ray women in our house. My father and mother divorced when I was a freshman in high school. Daddy left just before my 14th birthday. Life, as miserable as it had been, was about to take on a whole new meaning! There wasn't much time to grieve the marriage or the loss of our father because as it so happens, life goes on!
I see myself as Wynonna and Sloan (my sister) as Ashley. Wynonna is the in 'your face' all the time, wears her heart and emotions on her sleeves. She has forgiven Naomi, but she has not forgotten. I don't know that any of us every truly forgets when we have been seriously wounded by another, especially when we have been wounded by the very people who are supposed to love us no matter what!
Now, I must admit, the Judd's have a lot of strange crap they are dealing with...and sometimes I find them to be whining and not getting very far! But, the most profound thing I've seen so far, is the way Ashley's new book is killing Naomi. It's the quiet ones you have to watch out for!
I am beginning to see now how difficult it must have been for my sister to grow up surrounded by the anger and hurt that my mother and I had for each other, our situation and those who came into contact with us. To say I was an angry teenager doesn't even come close. I was so wounded by my father's drinking, his leaving, my mother's choices and the lack of direction I seemed to not get, that I got consumed by the anger. It literally left a whole in my heart and a self loathing that no one could see.
I can see it now though! All these pounds...they are from years of feeling not worthy, not loved, not special and not regarded. I was just a kid! I was a kid that shouldn't have had to start hating herself before she even started living! I made so many bad choices because I deemed myself unworthy the day my father dropped me off at my friend Jen's house and as I set my stuff down, and turned to tell him goodbye, he had already driven down the road. I stood watching his car drive away...and with him went my self worth, gone in just seconds.
Years later, he would make some very profound observations about me and food. He watched me devour a tub of ice cream. He said that he could tell I wasn't enjoying it, I was just sitting there mindlessly eating it. I never once smiled or even showed that what I was doing even registered. I of course have no recollection of such a time. I do know that we fought often about my food choices and that I soon found this to be a source of irritation for both him and my mother. She was skinny and an aerobic instructor and a PE teacher. She was blonde and beautiful.
So, subconsciously or unconsciously, I began to use food as a tool to get back at them and hurt myself. I guess I still do. I don't even really know! I don't know that I ever eat because I am truly hungry or if I eat mainly to satisfy some unpleasant feeling or as a distraction. The one thing I do know that I learned at a young age, was that food was my friend. Food would never let me down!
And now, I've let myself down...food is my drug! I'm not a drunk like my Daddy, but I'm an addict just the same. I hate this part of myself more than anyone can ever imagine! I think it might be easier if it was something I could learn to live without...but how do you quit relying on the one thing you need most to survive in this world? I do still mean food...but I guess the same could be said about my parents as well. Maybe that is the paradox - I wanted them, but they were so unattainable to me as a child. So, I turned to food. Sounds like such a fucking load of bullshit! I hate all this crap really!
I just need to quit watching OWN and the Judds! :):)
xoxo
~k
Little did any of us know that the Mother/Daughter duo was anything but happy behind the scenes! There was enough hurt and heartache going on to fill up one of their sold out shows! How sad! How sad that something that was bringing millions of fans so much happiness was literally tearing them apart!
The mother/daughter relationship is probably the most complex in the world. No one can love you more than your own mother, it would seem. But it also suffices to say, no one can hurt you as much either. It can be literally through words or behavior, or it can be more subtle through lack of involvement or caring. Either way, that relationship can be the tie that binds or the straw that breaks the camels back. It still amazes me that we need a license to drive, hunt or fish, but ANYONE can become parents!
I've been watching the Judd's on OWN and am fascinated by the dynamics of that family in relation to my own. There were three Ray women in our house. My father and mother divorced when I was a freshman in high school. Daddy left just before my 14th birthday. Life, as miserable as it had been, was about to take on a whole new meaning! There wasn't much time to grieve the marriage or the loss of our father because as it so happens, life goes on!
I see myself as Wynonna and Sloan (my sister) as Ashley. Wynonna is the in 'your face' all the time, wears her heart and emotions on her sleeves. She has forgiven Naomi, but she has not forgotten. I don't know that any of us every truly forgets when we have been seriously wounded by another, especially when we have been wounded by the very people who are supposed to love us no matter what!
Now, I must admit, the Judd's have a lot of strange crap they are dealing with...and sometimes I find them to be whining and not getting very far! But, the most profound thing I've seen so far, is the way Ashley's new book is killing Naomi. It's the quiet ones you have to watch out for!
I am beginning to see now how difficult it must have been for my sister to grow up surrounded by the anger and hurt that my mother and I had for each other, our situation and those who came into contact with us. To say I was an angry teenager doesn't even come close. I was so wounded by my father's drinking, his leaving, my mother's choices and the lack of direction I seemed to not get, that I got consumed by the anger. It literally left a whole in my heart and a self loathing that no one could see.
I can see it now though! All these pounds...they are from years of feeling not worthy, not loved, not special and not regarded. I was just a kid! I was a kid that shouldn't have had to start hating herself before she even started living! I made so many bad choices because I deemed myself unworthy the day my father dropped me off at my friend Jen's house and as I set my stuff down, and turned to tell him goodbye, he had already driven down the road. I stood watching his car drive away...and with him went my self worth, gone in just seconds.
Years later, he would make some very profound observations about me and food. He watched me devour a tub of ice cream. He said that he could tell I wasn't enjoying it, I was just sitting there mindlessly eating it. I never once smiled or even showed that what I was doing even registered. I of course have no recollection of such a time. I do know that we fought often about my food choices and that I soon found this to be a source of irritation for both him and my mother. She was skinny and an aerobic instructor and a PE teacher. She was blonde and beautiful.
So, subconsciously or unconsciously, I began to use food as a tool to get back at them and hurt myself. I guess I still do. I don't even really know! I don't know that I ever eat because I am truly hungry or if I eat mainly to satisfy some unpleasant feeling or as a distraction. The one thing I do know that I learned at a young age, was that food was my friend. Food would never let me down!
And now, I've let myself down...food is my drug! I'm not a drunk like my Daddy, but I'm an addict just the same. I hate this part of myself more than anyone can ever imagine! I think it might be easier if it was something I could learn to live without...but how do you quit relying on the one thing you need most to survive in this world? I do still mean food...but I guess the same could be said about my parents as well. Maybe that is the paradox - I wanted them, but they were so unattainable to me as a child. So, I turned to food. Sounds like such a fucking load of bullshit! I hate all this crap really!
I just need to quit watching OWN and the Judds! :):)
xoxo
~k
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
It's been a while...
I really wish I knew exactly where the time goes..it's been about a month since I last wrote here. I guess I am consistently inconsistent! But, consistent in always putting myself last! Some days I am just too tired to write, which I hate. Writing brings me almost as much pleasure and satisfaction as reading does.
Life has just been going as it does so often!
But...there is a writing contest that I want to enter and the deadline is June 8th. It's a contest where you only submit the first 3 chapters of your novel. I am going to really be working on those first three chapter over the course of the next month to get them ready. Of course between now and then, we have a million 'end of school' things going on so I will have to fit myself into my schedule.
Haven't been dieting much at all. I have noticed the numbers going up on the scale, and I would give ANYTHING to know exactly why this is something that I just can't seem to do. Not on my own anyway! Not for long periods of time and certainly not successfully. I hate that part of myself more than anything!
I want to make it my number one priority...but I just can't! I can't make myself a priority! I view it as selfish and absolutely ridiculous! I just want everyone I love to be happy and then I will be happy. But, that isn't true at all. I'm miserable in my own skin. As my belly grows, I feel worse about myself and more angry. I can do almost anything I put my mind to, but losing weight is just not one of them.
I would consider surgery except with my history, I don't know of any doctor that will TOUCH my stomach area. I worry about the damage and the scar tissue that is looming just below the surface. Maybe with all the fat protecting it, maybe I won't ever have any other issues. I honestly don't know what the hell is wrong with me and the way I think. I am forty years old with the mentality of a teenager! I swear I make no sense most of the time.
It's hard to be me...I guess it's hard to be anyone really. And no matter what choices and changes you make, underneath it all...you are still you. And what if you really don't like that person much? I think I dislike myself so much because I can't conquer the 'weight demon'. I know what I need to do...I've known that forever...I just can't find the determination to do it!
I remember the first time I realized just how much my weight dominated my life. I let it be a deciding factor in a stupid decision I made. I made the wrong decision followed by many years of wrong decisions...all because I never thought I was thin enough or beautiful enough to deserve to be treated with respect. Life can be full of regrets, if you choose to go through life that way. But, I have an amazing husband, great kids and good life. I just wish that 16 year old girl would forgive me and move on, and grow up.
xoxo
kim
Life has just been going as it does so often!
But...there is a writing contest that I want to enter and the deadline is June 8th. It's a contest where you only submit the first 3 chapters of your novel. I am going to really be working on those first three chapter over the course of the next month to get them ready. Of course between now and then, we have a million 'end of school' things going on so I will have to fit myself into my schedule.
Haven't been dieting much at all. I have noticed the numbers going up on the scale, and I would give ANYTHING to know exactly why this is something that I just can't seem to do. Not on my own anyway! Not for long periods of time and certainly not successfully. I hate that part of myself more than anything!
I want to make it my number one priority...but I just can't! I can't make myself a priority! I view it as selfish and absolutely ridiculous! I just want everyone I love to be happy and then I will be happy. But, that isn't true at all. I'm miserable in my own skin. As my belly grows, I feel worse about myself and more angry. I can do almost anything I put my mind to, but losing weight is just not one of them.
I would consider surgery except with my history, I don't know of any doctor that will TOUCH my stomach area. I worry about the damage and the scar tissue that is looming just below the surface. Maybe with all the fat protecting it, maybe I won't ever have any other issues. I honestly don't know what the hell is wrong with me and the way I think. I am forty years old with the mentality of a teenager! I swear I make no sense most of the time.
It's hard to be me...I guess it's hard to be anyone really. And no matter what choices and changes you make, underneath it all...you are still you. And what if you really don't like that person much? I think I dislike myself so much because I can't conquer the 'weight demon'. I know what I need to do...I've known that forever...I just can't find the determination to do it!
I remember the first time I realized just how much my weight dominated my life. I let it be a deciding factor in a stupid decision I made. I made the wrong decision followed by many years of wrong decisions...all because I never thought I was thin enough or beautiful enough to deserve to be treated with respect. Life can be full of regrets, if you choose to go through life that way. But, I have an amazing husband, great kids and good life. I just wish that 16 year old girl would forgive me and move on, and grow up.
xoxo
kim
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Hormones? Yep...that was the missing link
I guess we are basically a slave to our hormones our entire life! First we spend years getting ready to hit puberty and all it's wonders...then comes the 'birthing' years, which could potentially last well until your fifties. Then comes the most dangerous and devious of them all for women...menopause! I see those stupid commercials talking about how it doesn't have to be that bad and blah blah blah! IT SUCKS! It totally and completely does...and anyone who says it doesn't is LYING!
I had a partial hysterectomy in 2002 and then a second one in 2006! I got nothing inside now! I remember it being described to me as this: imagine normal menopause as this, you are driving in a car at 55 mph and gradually you put the breaks on, very gradually until eventually the car slows and stops. That's how it's suppose to happen. But to someone who is 35 it is more like going 55 mph straight into a brick wall! It's done...it's over!
So, I have been going to the same female doctor for the last three years. At each check up, the only thing she talks about is my weight. And at my last visit in December, I was totally dejected! She basically said, or at least what I heard was: You are fat. Eat less. Exercise more. Good bye!
I had become to think that the hot flashes, the moodiness, the irritability, the memory loss...EVERYTHING was because I was fat! Well, turns out...not so much! I know many fat chicks, and none of them were having the kinds of 'sweaty fits' that I did! And now, I'm not having them either!
I went to a male doctor...and while I thought I would be more comfortable with a woman because she should know what's going on...turns out...not so much!! He laughed when I told him what she had said and he said, "I might not be a woman, but it's really all about biology!" Doesn't hurt that his wife had been on the same two drugs I had and he KNEW from experience that it wasn't working!
I have been on this patch since last Thursday and physically I feel totally different! It's really amazing!
I still can't seem to find time to do this everyday yet...but I'm getting there..it's baby steps!
xoxo
k
I had a partial hysterectomy in 2002 and then a second one in 2006! I got nothing inside now! I remember it being described to me as this: imagine normal menopause as this, you are driving in a car at 55 mph and gradually you put the breaks on, very gradually until eventually the car slows and stops. That's how it's suppose to happen. But to someone who is 35 it is more like going 55 mph straight into a brick wall! It's done...it's over!
So, I have been going to the same female doctor for the last three years. At each check up, the only thing she talks about is my weight. And at my last visit in December, I was totally dejected! She basically said, or at least what I heard was: You are fat. Eat less. Exercise more. Good bye!
I had become to think that the hot flashes, the moodiness, the irritability, the memory loss...EVERYTHING was because I was fat! Well, turns out...not so much! I know many fat chicks, and none of them were having the kinds of 'sweaty fits' that I did! And now, I'm not having them either!
I went to a male doctor...and while I thought I would be more comfortable with a woman because she should know what's going on...turns out...not so much!! He laughed when I told him what she had said and he said, "I might not be a woman, but it's really all about biology!" Doesn't hurt that his wife had been on the same two drugs I had and he KNEW from experience that it wasn't working!
I have been on this patch since last Thursday and physically I feel totally different! It's really amazing!
I still can't seem to find time to do this everyday yet...but I'm getting there..it's baby steps!
xoxo
k
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Spring? Really?
Yesterday was the first day of Spring...it wasn't that pretty outside really. It was more like one of those days at the very very end of Fall. Dreary. And that is about all it takes to put me in a mood. I wouldn't say I am depressed...after all, I am out of bed. However, because I work from home...I am not showered or dressed. I am still in my pajamas, and really don't know if I will change any time soon.
My head is pounding. I'm sure it's the weather! Or maybe it's the stress or maybe it's the weight gain. I don' t know. I feel like when I take two steps forward in one part of my life, like my writing, then I take two steps backward in other areas. My weight has been an issue for so many years that at this point I've lost count. All I do know is that I NEED to do something about it, yet I choose not to.
I had never watched an episode of 'Ruby' before, although I had seen her on Oprah. I marvel at her determination and she has come so far. She's hitting a wall now though...she doesn't want to deal with what is on the inside. I guess that is where I am, too. I can diet and exercise, and the weight does come off. My issue is I lose about 50lbs and then I feel good, so then I start slipping up and then I'm back up...and this time, I'm really back up!
I don't know why I'm so fat! I never really understood it when it first started happening...I didn't gain the freshman 15 in college...I'm pretty sure it was the freshman 60. And then I tried to do something about it...then I got pregnant...and here I am. Miserable! Miserable with myself so much so that it's starting to affect other areas of my life.
I know I can only take one day at a time, but it seems so daunting at this point. I welcome Spring and the sun. Maybe the Spring and the sun will change my feelings and attitude. I hope it will get me motivated to move more and eat less. I'm not in my thirties anymore, and it's only going to be that much harder to lose! YUCK!
I'm in a mood...again!
kim
My head is pounding. I'm sure it's the weather! Or maybe it's the stress or maybe it's the weight gain. I don' t know. I feel like when I take two steps forward in one part of my life, like my writing, then I take two steps backward in other areas. My weight has been an issue for so many years that at this point I've lost count. All I do know is that I NEED to do something about it, yet I choose not to.
I had never watched an episode of 'Ruby' before, although I had seen her on Oprah. I marvel at her determination and she has come so far. She's hitting a wall now though...she doesn't want to deal with what is on the inside. I guess that is where I am, too. I can diet and exercise, and the weight does come off. My issue is I lose about 50lbs and then I feel good, so then I start slipping up and then I'm back up...and this time, I'm really back up!
I don't know why I'm so fat! I never really understood it when it first started happening...I didn't gain the freshman 15 in college...I'm pretty sure it was the freshman 60. And then I tried to do something about it...then I got pregnant...and here I am. Miserable! Miserable with myself so much so that it's starting to affect other areas of my life.
I know I can only take one day at a time, but it seems so daunting at this point. I welcome Spring and the sun. Maybe the Spring and the sun will change my feelings and attitude. I hope it will get me motivated to move more and eat less. I'm not in my thirties anymore, and it's only going to be that much harder to lose! YUCK!
I'm in a mood...again!
kim
Monday, March 14, 2011
'I've just been in a very bad mood for the last....'
I don't know how long...it feels like days, maybe it's been weeks! I don't really know why, I'm sure there is some under lying 'anger' issue lurking beneath the surface...it rears it's ugly little head about every 15 minutes today! I absolutely hate this feeling. No matter what I do to shake it, it won't go away. I know I'm stressed, but if you are alive and breathing these days, who isn't stressed?
I guess what I'm most upset over is this - life as it is, is hard enough. Why do others have to come in to our lives and make it harder than it needs to be? I thought at my age, I had really started to 'figure' people out. Recognize 'CRAZY' when I saw it, and run for cover.
This time I didn't! And I can't let it go! I was snowed! I was completely taken off guard! Of course others in my life tell me now - 'Oh yea! I saw that coming!' or my other favorite - 'I could have told you that was going to happen'. I consider myself a good judge of character, typically. And I believe in giving everyone a fair chance, until I'm proven otherwise. I don't listen to what other people say, typically...but maybe I need to start listening. Maybe there is just a hint of truth to all the talk...
I grew up feeling like the 'odd' man out. All my friends lived in really nice houses, had parents that were married and seemed to have the 'perfect lives'. I mean, compared to mine anyway. My life wasn't 'terrible', but it wasn't what theirs was. So, now that I have kids, I find myself drawn to my kids' friends that I can see myself in. I want to give them, and their families a welcoming word. I want to say, 'hey...i don't judge'. In truth, I really don't judge.
I have been known to make fun of people or have a good laugh with my mom while people watching. But, in all honesty, it comes from a good place and I really mean nothing malicious by it. But, I'm beginning to learn, that maybe 'we' (my mom, sister and I) were the exception. Maybe people are just like they appear to be, and maybe sometimes, it is best to 'judge a book by it's cover' and let it ride.
I don't know! It seems the older I get, the less I'm convinced I know. And the less I understand! How is that possible? I don't want the future to hold more questions because before I know it I will be forgetting not only the answers but the questions, too! Then what happens? Maybe that is why family really is so important. And when people say things like 'you don't get to pick your family', that's really a good thing. Family will always (or should always) love you no matter what! Friends will come and go...Best Friends, which are really family...shall always remain!
I'm missing my best friends right now...Jen and Lisa! It's been a while since we've had one of our REAL visits. Kids, distance and life is justing marching on...maybe all I really need to do, is shoot an email to them and let them know I miss them...and then maybe that will chase away the blues...if not, I've always got the kids to pick on tomorrow...it's their Spring Break and due to my 'paying job' we can't go anywhere...
xoxo
kim
ps - by the way...I am going to 'Let Go, Let God' this will be the last you hear about the other thing...
I guess what I'm most upset over is this - life as it is, is hard enough. Why do others have to come in to our lives and make it harder than it needs to be? I thought at my age, I had really started to 'figure' people out. Recognize 'CRAZY' when I saw it, and run for cover.
This time I didn't! And I can't let it go! I was snowed! I was completely taken off guard! Of course others in my life tell me now - 'Oh yea! I saw that coming!' or my other favorite - 'I could have told you that was going to happen'. I consider myself a good judge of character, typically. And I believe in giving everyone a fair chance, until I'm proven otherwise. I don't listen to what other people say, typically...but maybe I need to start listening. Maybe there is just a hint of truth to all the talk...
I grew up feeling like the 'odd' man out. All my friends lived in really nice houses, had parents that were married and seemed to have the 'perfect lives'. I mean, compared to mine anyway. My life wasn't 'terrible', but it wasn't what theirs was. So, now that I have kids, I find myself drawn to my kids' friends that I can see myself in. I want to give them, and their families a welcoming word. I want to say, 'hey...i don't judge'. In truth, I really don't judge.
I have been known to make fun of people or have a good laugh with my mom while people watching. But, in all honesty, it comes from a good place and I really mean nothing malicious by it. But, I'm beginning to learn, that maybe 'we' (my mom, sister and I) were the exception. Maybe people are just like they appear to be, and maybe sometimes, it is best to 'judge a book by it's cover' and let it ride.
I don't know! It seems the older I get, the less I'm convinced I know. And the less I understand! How is that possible? I don't want the future to hold more questions because before I know it I will be forgetting not only the answers but the questions, too! Then what happens? Maybe that is why family really is so important. And when people say things like 'you don't get to pick your family', that's really a good thing. Family will always (or should always) love you no matter what! Friends will come and go...Best Friends, which are really family...shall always remain!
I'm missing my best friends right now...Jen and Lisa! It's been a while since we've had one of our REAL visits. Kids, distance and life is justing marching on...maybe all I really need to do, is shoot an email to them and let them know I miss them...and then maybe that will chase away the blues...if not, I've always got the kids to pick on tomorrow...it's their Spring Break and due to my 'paying job' we can't go anywhere...
xoxo
kim
ps - by the way...I am going to 'Let Go, Let God' this will be the last you hear about the other thing...
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Choices
We all make choices everyday! Sometimes our choices are great ones...and other times, we make really bad choices that lead to even more heartache than we could have imagined. I have a big heart! I take after my father in that way. I love hard and I care about the people in my life - probably too much, and it is definitely a fault. Or maybe it's more of a curse.
It's so true that no good deed goes unpunished. I am fine with letting people come and go...it's just a part of life, but it's not okay when my daughter gets caught in the cross fire. I know we all protect our kids and hate it when they are hurt. But some people misunderstand 'protection' and 'letting them learn from their own mistakes'. I am not one to sit back and watch. However, this time, for my sanity and hers it's the best thing to do. And it's KILLING me!
I am not perfect. I am not a perfect friend or a perfect mother. I recognize my faults and I try every day to improve upon them. Others, sit in judgement and they pass that judgement on to children. That is where I have a hard time with adults who behave worse than children.
Kids are supposed to make mistakes. They are supposed to screw up, learn from it and move on. It's how they grow. It's how they learn compassion and understanding. Forgiveness is such a hard concept to grasp and at 40 I am just now getting it. Forgiveness is about yourself more than the other person. But, our children have to learn how to forgive - each other and themselves. And they should not be ridiculed based on an adult's perception of a situation. I think there are too many parents out there trying to live vicariously through their kids. They get so wrapped up in every little thing.
I admit, I got too involved in my daughter's best friend and their relationship. I was so excited for her to have the kind of friendship I have known for over 30 years with my two best friends, Jen and Lisa. I welcomed the relationship and wanted to see it blossom and grow. However, there were things, parents, that I wasn't paying attention to.
Shame on me! However, my daughter is so strong and so smart! She will get over this and be a better and smarter friend in the end. I am so proud of her! It is I who is struggling with it all...I am trying so hard to keep my head together. I know the right thing to do is let it go, but when you see your child upset, it's hard to do that!
I wish there was a manual for all this!
xoxo
kim
It's so true that no good deed goes unpunished. I am fine with letting people come and go...it's just a part of life, but it's not okay when my daughter gets caught in the cross fire. I know we all protect our kids and hate it when they are hurt. But some people misunderstand 'protection' and 'letting them learn from their own mistakes'. I am not one to sit back and watch. However, this time, for my sanity and hers it's the best thing to do. And it's KILLING me!
I am not perfect. I am not a perfect friend or a perfect mother. I recognize my faults and I try every day to improve upon them. Others, sit in judgement and they pass that judgement on to children. That is where I have a hard time with adults who behave worse than children.
Kids are supposed to make mistakes. They are supposed to screw up, learn from it and move on. It's how they grow. It's how they learn compassion and understanding. Forgiveness is such a hard concept to grasp and at 40 I am just now getting it. Forgiveness is about yourself more than the other person. But, our children have to learn how to forgive - each other and themselves. And they should not be ridiculed based on an adult's perception of a situation. I think there are too many parents out there trying to live vicariously through their kids. They get so wrapped up in every little thing.
I admit, I got too involved in my daughter's best friend and their relationship. I was so excited for her to have the kind of friendship I have known for over 30 years with my two best friends, Jen and Lisa. I welcomed the relationship and wanted to see it blossom and grow. However, there were things, parents, that I wasn't paying attention to.
Shame on me! However, my daughter is so strong and so smart! She will get over this and be a better and smarter friend in the end. I am so proud of her! It is I who is struggling with it all...I am trying so hard to keep my head together. I know the right thing to do is let it go, but when you see your child upset, it's hard to do that!
I wish there was a manual for all this!
xoxo
kim
Saturday, March 12, 2011
A Commitment to ME
I make commitments all the time! I agree to bring things do things, show up, etc. I honor those commitments. However the commitments I make to myself, I just don't seem to care about. It's okay to let myself down but not anyone else? How ridiculous does that sound? But I know I am not alone in this. I have made several commitments to my weight loss and to my writing. Yet here I am months later, with little done with either.
So here I am, with yet another Day 1 of the rest of my life. I WILL write here daily. Even if it's nothing much. Even if I'm too tired and really want to just finish the book I'm reading. Even if I am angry or sad. Even if the day has been awesome and I feel like I don't have too much to complain out or say!
Secondly, I will work on not eating as much. I'm not going to go on a diet. I'm not going to set myself any goals except these: I will eat less. I will drink more water and I will vow to get more exercise. That won't be too hard to do because currently I do NONE! So if I just walk out my front door, down to the stop sign and back that will be more than I did today!
The fact is, time is moving in warp speed. The time we think we will have tomorrow will be gone. My children are growing up so fast and I still feel like I'm 17 and plotting out where my life will go. The truth is, it's gone...it goes everyday, whether I make plans for the day or not. I want to be more present in my life and in the decisions I make.
So here's to always having the opportunity to 'start again' until we take our last breath...and even then I believe we might get to accomplish more than we know! Thanks for joining my ride...
xoxo
kim
So here I am, with yet another Day 1 of the rest of my life. I WILL write here daily. Even if it's nothing much. Even if I'm too tired and really want to just finish the book I'm reading. Even if I am angry or sad. Even if the day has been awesome and I feel like I don't have too much to complain out or say!
Secondly, I will work on not eating as much. I'm not going to go on a diet. I'm not going to set myself any goals except these: I will eat less. I will drink more water and I will vow to get more exercise. That won't be too hard to do because currently I do NONE! So if I just walk out my front door, down to the stop sign and back that will be more than I did today!
The fact is, time is moving in warp speed. The time we think we will have tomorrow will be gone. My children are growing up so fast and I still feel like I'm 17 and plotting out where my life will go. The truth is, it's gone...it goes everyday, whether I make plans for the day or not. I want to be more present in my life and in the decisions I make.
So here's to always having the opportunity to 'start again' until we take our last breath...and even then I believe we might get to accomplish more than we know! Thanks for joining my ride...
xoxo
kim
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Frivolous???
I googled 'frivolous' today and the FIRST thing that popped up was this:
Not having any serious purpose or value: "rules to stop frivolous lawsuits".
Not having any serious purpose or value....hmmmmm. I wonder WHO is going to get to decide what makes a lawsuit frivolous? Is our government going to decide? Will it be like Torte Reform in Texas? I've decided that this discussion will be much like that on Abortion. You are either Pro-Life or you are Pro-Choice. We create all kinds of shades of gray, but the truth remains, there is really only one way or the other.
And if you are pro-life can you also be pro-death penalty? Isn't that a contradiction? So, if you are pro-life, anti-death penalty and FOR Torte reform I wonder this....have you ever found yourself young, unwed and pregnant? Have you ever found yourself waking up from a month long medically induced coma to find you almost died at the carelessness of a surgeon? Have you had your child murdered by someone who is sitting on death row as you count the days until the execution?
In my forty years, I have found myself in two of these predicaments. It doesn't really matter which two either! All I know, is regardless of which of the two I have been through, NO ONE else should be allowed to dictate to me how I feel or what I think. That is between me and God. I will answer to him one day, I believe that whole heartedly. What I am beginning to lose faith in is our country and their beliefs.
Innocents are jailed every day, while the guilty run around free. Everything in our society seems to revolve around money and who ever has the most, wins. It's really kind of disgusting! I've just written myself into a really, really bad mood...
But, at least I wrote...and it's not like anyone else is reading this anyway!
~k
Not having any serious purpose or value: "rules to stop frivolous lawsuits".
Not having any serious purpose or value....hmmmmm. I wonder WHO is going to get to decide what makes a lawsuit frivolous? Is our government going to decide? Will it be like Torte Reform in Texas? I've decided that this discussion will be much like that on Abortion. You are either Pro-Life or you are Pro-Choice. We create all kinds of shades of gray, but the truth remains, there is really only one way or the other.
And if you are pro-life can you also be pro-death penalty? Isn't that a contradiction? So, if you are pro-life, anti-death penalty and FOR Torte reform I wonder this....have you ever found yourself young, unwed and pregnant? Have you ever found yourself waking up from a month long medically induced coma to find you almost died at the carelessness of a surgeon? Have you had your child murdered by someone who is sitting on death row as you count the days until the execution?
In my forty years, I have found myself in two of these predicaments. It doesn't really matter which two either! All I know, is regardless of which of the two I have been through, NO ONE else should be allowed to dictate to me how I feel or what I think. That is between me and God. I will answer to him one day, I believe that whole heartedly. What I am beginning to lose faith in is our country and their beliefs.
Innocents are jailed every day, while the guilty run around free. Everything in our society seems to revolve around money and who ever has the most, wins. It's really kind of disgusting! I've just written myself into a really, really bad mood...
But, at least I wrote...and it's not like anyone else is reading this anyway!
~k
Monday, January 24, 2011
Letting Myself Down
I would never dream of letting my husband, my children, my sister or my best friends down...but I constantly let myself down! I set goals - whether they are writing goals or weight loss goals or even organizational goals, if I set it for myself, I think nothing of letting it slip. It has been 2 months since I wrote here! How ridiculous! Sure, my 'real' job has had mad deadlines...we pretty much work straight through from October 15th through January 15th.
And there was Christmas and New Years in there too! But, already a month into 2011 and here I am losing both the battle of the bulge and the battle of the words! At this stage of the game, my writing is much more important then my desire to be thin. Although, according to Dr. Phil, Oprah and EVERY article, book and interview on the subject, I should know what the weight issue is! However, I really don't. Part of me honestly thinks it doesn't matter anymore. I am just fat and that's the way it is going to be until I leave this earth.
All the pictures from my children's childhood will show me as a FAT ass! I don't want to accept it, I don't want to give up...but the fact is...I like to eat! I like to eat badly! I love cheese and I love wine! I love bread and I guess I love it all a lot more than I want to be thin.
Although every time I look in the mirror...I think, REALLY? You are still so fat!! Grrrrrr!!
But, my writing...that IS important to me. I think if I had the opportunity, I could write all day long about anything. I didn't say it was good...I just love to write! I want to write the next great fiction novel. I love 'chick lit' although that is apparently NOT what it should be called! I love Jodi Picoult's writing style and wish I had that talent. Or maybe I have the talent, just not the means to develop it.
However, one thing is for sure, if I don't start keeping the goals for myself, than I will NEVER know. I would rather give it my all and fail, than to never have tried at all.
So...here I go again....I am going to promise to write here, every day...even if it's short and sweet. I also promise to cut down 500 calories a day from my diet. I might even tell you what it was here...who knows! Wish me luck...better yet...just come back and read. Be invested in me so that I might become invested in myself!
~kim
And there was Christmas and New Years in there too! But, already a month into 2011 and here I am losing both the battle of the bulge and the battle of the words! At this stage of the game, my writing is much more important then my desire to be thin. Although, according to Dr. Phil, Oprah and EVERY article, book and interview on the subject, I should know what the weight issue is! However, I really don't. Part of me honestly thinks it doesn't matter anymore. I am just fat and that's the way it is going to be until I leave this earth.
All the pictures from my children's childhood will show me as a FAT ass! I don't want to accept it, I don't want to give up...but the fact is...I like to eat! I like to eat badly! I love cheese and I love wine! I love bread and I guess I love it all a lot more than I want to be thin.
Although every time I look in the mirror...I think, REALLY? You are still so fat!! Grrrrrr!!
But, my writing...that IS important to me. I think if I had the opportunity, I could write all day long about anything. I didn't say it was good...I just love to write! I want to write the next great fiction novel. I love 'chick lit' although that is apparently NOT what it should be called! I love Jodi Picoult's writing style and wish I had that talent. Or maybe I have the talent, just not the means to develop it.
However, one thing is for sure, if I don't start keeping the goals for myself, than I will NEVER know. I would rather give it my all and fail, than to never have tried at all.
So...here I go again....I am going to promise to write here, every day...even if it's short and sweet. I also promise to cut down 500 calories a day from my diet. I might even tell you what it was here...who knows! Wish me luck...better yet...just come back and read. Be invested in me so that I might become invested in myself!
~kim
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
I'm Baaaccckkk
I did it! I wrote 50,000 words in 30 days! I am so proud of myself and now I feel like I can do anything as long as I put a date and goal on it. It was hard to do it, but once I got into the right frame of mind, the words flowed out of me and on to the computer screen.
I am already thinking of other things to work on...I wrote a memoir for NANOWRIMO and I had wished I had not. I chose to write a memoir because I needed to get it out. It was therapeutic and horrifying. I remembered things that I had long since buried and found they were not as painful as I had thought they might be to recall.
I was able to appreciate some of what I had been through because it gave me a greater love and understanding for my mom. I also let myself feel things that I wouldn't allow myself to even think about during my ordeal. I will always carry those months and my 'near death experience' with me, it is a part of the fabric of who I am. There is no way denying it changed me and probably altered who I was going to be.
I used to be sad about that. But, now I see that by letting some of it go, and by releasing it through words, my best form of communication, it was actually freeing. The story isn't over yet. It needs to be edited and it needs to be finished. But, I set a goal, I didn't let myself quit and I achieved it with hours to spare.
I am really proud of myself and I am going to bask in this for a day or two! It feels good to have set three writing goals now and accomplished every one of them.
Next, is writing on this blog everyday. Even if it is small and significant only to me, I am going to write here everyday. And I'm changing the name! I am so much more than a number on a scale. I have overcome and achieved much more than I give myself credit for!
I am woman hear me roar!!!
love and hugs,
k
I am already thinking of other things to work on...I wrote a memoir for NANOWRIMO and I had wished I had not. I chose to write a memoir because I needed to get it out. It was therapeutic and horrifying. I remembered things that I had long since buried and found they were not as painful as I had thought they might be to recall.
I was able to appreciate some of what I had been through because it gave me a greater love and understanding for my mom. I also let myself feel things that I wouldn't allow myself to even think about during my ordeal. I will always carry those months and my 'near death experience' with me, it is a part of the fabric of who I am. There is no way denying it changed me and probably altered who I was going to be.
I used to be sad about that. But, now I see that by letting some of it go, and by releasing it through words, my best form of communication, it was actually freeing. The story isn't over yet. It needs to be edited and it needs to be finished. But, I set a goal, I didn't let myself quit and I achieved it with hours to spare.
I am really proud of myself and I am going to bask in this for a day or two! It feels good to have set three writing goals now and accomplished every one of them.
Next, is writing on this blog everyday. Even if it is small and significant only to me, I am going to write here everyday. And I'm changing the name! I am so much more than a number on a scale. I have overcome and achieved much more than I give myself credit for!
I am woman hear me roar!!!
love and hugs,
k
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
National Write a Novel in a Month
I am doing really well...almost at 5000 words with today still to go! It's not as hard as you might it is. The words seem to flow so naturally once I get going. My problem is finding the time. Uninterrupted 'me' time! Time for me to sit and think and write. There are kids to drive around and pick up; kids to feed; to help with homework...there is just life. Life is getting in the way of me writing this novel in 30 days. It's fun though!
Both the life part and the writing part. I guess in all due time it will all begin to make sense and start to come together! It might help if this wasn't the perfect stay in your pj's and watch movies all day. Abbie is home sick and all I want to do is go curl up with her and watch movies!
Sometimes being adult means working when you don't want to and and usually doing the right thing over what you want to do! UGH! This sounds like a whiney post, not a blog post! Maybe I really do need a nap!
love and hugs,
k
Both the life part and the writing part. I guess in all due time it will all begin to make sense and start to come together! It might help if this wasn't the perfect stay in your pj's and watch movies all day. Abbie is home sick and all I want to do is go curl up with her and watch movies!
Sometimes being adult means working when you don't want to and and usually doing the right thing over what you want to do! UGH! This sounds like a whiney post, not a blog post! Maybe I really do need a nap!
love and hugs,
k
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Forty is Going To Be Fabulous!
Well...it is here! I am officially 40! I'm not crying...I'm not depressed...I am not dead! So many things to be grateful for:
Happy Healthy kids - 3 of them
Happy Healthy marriage - 17 years and counting
Happy Healthy hubby - the best of the best
The rest...all of it...the weight, the anger, the self pity...I can deal with, I can get through it all because tomorrow is a new beginning. We have no guarantees in life so I shouldn't spend the time I have feeling sorry for myself and only concentrating on the negative things. It's just so much easier sometimes to think about how bad things are instead of how good they really are. Most people would trade everything they have to have just one of the things I listed above and I have all three!
Today a colleague of mine reminded me that 4 years ago, when I was in a coma (yep, now you can say you know someone who was in a coma, and lived to tell about it) it was a very grave situation. I needed to be reminded of that. I need to remember all of that if for no other reason to appreciate where I am, what I have and to be so grateful that I am here to celebrate my 40th!! Besides, I hear the best is yet to come!
Monday I began attempting to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days...so writing here might not happen too much. The thing is, I know I can do it. And I know it's time to tell my story...mark my words, one day you will see 'Treading Water' in hard back...I said it here first!
Happy Birthday to me! Here's to the next 40 years!
love and hugs!
k
Happy Healthy kids - 3 of them
Happy Healthy marriage - 17 years and counting
Happy Healthy hubby - the best of the best
The rest...all of it...the weight, the anger, the self pity...I can deal with, I can get through it all because tomorrow is a new beginning. We have no guarantees in life so I shouldn't spend the time I have feeling sorry for myself and only concentrating on the negative things. It's just so much easier sometimes to think about how bad things are instead of how good they really are. Most people would trade everything they have to have just one of the things I listed above and I have all three!
Today a colleague of mine reminded me that 4 years ago, when I was in a coma (yep, now you can say you know someone who was in a coma, and lived to tell about it) it was a very grave situation. I needed to be reminded of that. I need to remember all of that if for no other reason to appreciate where I am, what I have and to be so grateful that I am here to celebrate my 40th!! Besides, I hear the best is yet to come!
Monday I began attempting to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days...so writing here might not happen too much. The thing is, I know I can do it. And I know it's time to tell my story...mark my words, one day you will see 'Treading Water' in hard back...I said it here first!
Happy Birthday to me! Here's to the next 40 years!
love and hugs!
k
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
'Lucky'
I finished reading Alice Sebold's 'Lucky' last night. It has stuck with me all day. I thought I had bad luck...I have nothing on her. Her writing is mesmerizing. I felt like I was reading a friend's journal and at times I almost feel guilty, like I was reading something too private to be shared with someone like me.
It certainly has allowed me to put some perspective around my own circumstances and my own traumas. I think what I went through was equally as emotionally devastated. I spent months not understanding what exactly happened to me. I spent months separated from my family. I spent months in 'old folks' homes when I was only 35/36 years old. The experience sucked a lot of life out of me.
It drained me most of hope. I would lay in the hospital bed, day after day, and the only thing I cared about, the only constant I had was when the shifts changed every 8 hours and when I received my pain medication, every three. I had visitors, I had phone calls, I had cards and letters, but I didn't have my freedom. I was trapped by tubes and other apparatuses that I didn't even know existed - a wound vac and a jujenostomy bag. I was a shell of the person I was once, I was dazed and very confused.
While mine was due to a surgeon's mistake, and it was not rape, it was still a terrible experience. I pushed it way out of my mind...so far away that sometimes the anger boils up with out any trigger or notice. It's definitely unfinished business. I never got to ask my questions. I was too busy just trying to survive to actually live through it and understand. Surviving is NOT fighting. Thriving is fighting. Thriving is the only way to truly get over something as horrific as what I endured.
I hope to one day begin to thrive again...I'm hoping through my writing I will find a 'happy' place. I want the ability to move on. But, even as I sit here typing, the anger rises. I feel the heat burn up from my stomach, then slowly through my arms. I feel the air tighten in my chest and the dull ache in my stomach. It can take me right back to my hospital room. The loneliness I felt for six straight months.
I think I see it starting to want to make it's way out of my head and on to the screen...as November 1st gets closer, I know that I will spend the entire month writing about my experience....I'm getting ready. It's time to let the beast out...
love and hugs,
k
It certainly has allowed me to put some perspective around my own circumstances and my own traumas. I think what I went through was equally as emotionally devastated. I spent months not understanding what exactly happened to me. I spent months separated from my family. I spent months in 'old folks' homes when I was only 35/36 years old. The experience sucked a lot of life out of me.
It drained me most of hope. I would lay in the hospital bed, day after day, and the only thing I cared about, the only constant I had was when the shifts changed every 8 hours and when I received my pain medication, every three. I had visitors, I had phone calls, I had cards and letters, but I didn't have my freedom. I was trapped by tubes and other apparatuses that I didn't even know existed - a wound vac and a jujenostomy bag. I was a shell of the person I was once, I was dazed and very confused.
While mine was due to a surgeon's mistake, and it was not rape, it was still a terrible experience. I pushed it way out of my mind...so far away that sometimes the anger boils up with out any trigger or notice. It's definitely unfinished business. I never got to ask my questions. I was too busy just trying to survive to actually live through it and understand. Surviving is NOT fighting. Thriving is fighting. Thriving is the only way to truly get over something as horrific as what I endured.
I hope to one day begin to thrive again...I'm hoping through my writing I will find a 'happy' place. I want the ability to move on. But, even as I sit here typing, the anger rises. I feel the heat burn up from my stomach, then slowly through my arms. I feel the air tighten in my chest and the dull ache in my stomach. It can take me right back to my hospital room. The loneliness I felt for six straight months.
I think I see it starting to want to make it's way out of my head and on to the screen...as November 1st gets closer, I know that I will spend the entire month writing about my experience....I'm getting ready. It's time to let the beast out...
love and hugs,
k
Monday, October 25, 2010
'Forty is the Ultimate F- Word'
I am not really freaking out because I'm turning 40! If I live to be 80 (Grandma B is 90) then I am half way there. If I live longer...not even half way there...I guess what is making me fret turning 40 is what I used to think being 40 meant.
Here is what I thought being 40 meant:
1. A grown up with all the answers
2. Confident and smart
3. Stable - both financially and emotionally
4. Content
5. Comfortable in who I am, where I am and where I've been
But, today, 5 days from 'F' day...and here is what I know:
1. I am NOT a real grown up yet...My Mom is...but I'm not and not only do I NOT have all the answers, I'm still asking questions
2. I waiver between raising my kids right and raising them wrong. I waiver on time lines when it comes to grounding them and I don't feel so smart 90% of the time
3. I am FAR from stable - in my head or in my checking account, my 401k, savings account, etc...FAR from it
4. Instead of content I feel scared and anxious - about my job, my kids, my finances, my writing....I hate feeling scared more than anything!
5. HA HA HA HA....I wonder if I will ever know how it feels to be proud of my body, my mind and my soul. I wonder if I will ever get the 'drive' to lose the weight I have so desperately wanted to lose for over 20 years now!
It's funny....when you are a kid you want to be a teenager, then you want to be an adult....and now, I'd LOVE for someone to hand me an allowance, let me sleep late and tell me what to do, when to do it and how to do it! I guess that is why they say ignorance is bliss....you think being an adult will give you all these choices...you just answer to different people, have different rules and the stakes are a lot higher!
But, on the flip side...I've accomplished a lot in 40 years as well...
1. Married to the same man for almost 17 years...been with him since I was 21! Almost with him, longer than without him....YEAH US!
2. I have 3 amazing beautiful, although mouthy children
3. We have managed to stay in the house I HAD to have and we can NOT afford
4. I almost died, spent 6 months in the hospital and am here to celebrate my 40th birth day...when I was given a 10% chance of survival (it was sepsis...surgical mistake...I'm sure I'll eventually tell that story)
5. I have survived the deaths of the three most important men of my childhood: Uncle Rick, Uncle John and my Daddy
Life is good...it really is! I need to embrace being 40...be proud of what I've done, where I've been and where I'm going...yeah....Life is good!
Happy Birthday to me! Please wear black on Saturday, as I mourn my youth!
love and hugs,
k
Here is what I thought being 40 meant:
1. A grown up with all the answers
2. Confident and smart
3. Stable - both financially and emotionally
4. Content
5. Comfortable in who I am, where I am and where I've been
But, today, 5 days from 'F' day...and here is what I know:
1. I am NOT a real grown up yet...My Mom is...but I'm not and not only do I NOT have all the answers, I'm still asking questions
2. I waiver between raising my kids right and raising them wrong. I waiver on time lines when it comes to grounding them and I don't feel so smart 90% of the time
3. I am FAR from stable - in my head or in my checking account, my 401k, savings account, etc...FAR from it
4. Instead of content I feel scared and anxious - about my job, my kids, my finances, my writing....I hate feeling scared more than anything!
5. HA HA HA HA....I wonder if I will ever know how it feels to be proud of my body, my mind and my soul. I wonder if I will ever get the 'drive' to lose the weight I have so desperately wanted to lose for over 20 years now!
It's funny....when you are a kid you want to be a teenager, then you want to be an adult....and now, I'd LOVE for someone to hand me an allowance, let me sleep late and tell me what to do, when to do it and how to do it! I guess that is why they say ignorance is bliss....you think being an adult will give you all these choices...you just answer to different people, have different rules and the stakes are a lot higher!
But, on the flip side...I've accomplished a lot in 40 years as well...
1. Married to the same man for almost 17 years...been with him since I was 21! Almost with him, longer than without him....YEAH US!
2. I have 3 amazing beautiful, although mouthy children
3. We have managed to stay in the house I HAD to have and we can NOT afford
4. I almost died, spent 6 months in the hospital and am here to celebrate my 40th birth day...when I was given a 10% chance of survival (it was sepsis...surgical mistake...I'm sure I'll eventually tell that story)
5. I have survived the deaths of the three most important men of my childhood: Uncle Rick, Uncle John and my Daddy
Life is good...it really is! I need to embrace being 40...be proud of what I've done, where I've been and where I'm going...yeah....Life is good!
Happy Birthday to me! Please wear black on Saturday, as I mourn my youth!
love and hugs,
k
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Another Rejection...but this one is okay
I have been told that if you aren't getting rejection letters than you are doing something wrong! Getting rejection letters are a good thing...it means you are putting your work out there. It means someone is reading what you have written (not like this blog apparently...to date I don't have ANY followers) and it means that you are in 'the game'.
I just received some of the best feedback I have had in the last three months:
I LOVE THIS! My mom read my manuscript and she said that she noticed how different my writing was from the beginning of the story to the end. It was so much more dramatic, it made more sense. It is like with anything I suppose, you just have to continue doing it to get better.
I guess I hoped to be the next 'Stephenie Meyer'....you know, bang away at the computer, pump out this amazing love story and ride off into the sunset. I know where these crazy dreams come from...it's my father in me! Big dreams...HUGE dreams...but none that came to fruition. I can't be sad though...I might not have written the greatest novel my first shot...but hey, I do have a manuscript. I have a beginning, a middle and an end. I have hooks. I have drama. I have love. I have sex scenes that made my Mom blush a little bit. And like the agent above stated - I have potential!
I just need to make this my new mantra...I have potential! I do! I WANT to be a published author...I want to have a book published. I want a story, my words to make someone feel like I did when I read 'The Help' or when I read 'The Year of the Fog'. I want to write compelling story lines and characters that are flawed and human. I have the potential...I have the drive...and now I even have my own laptop (thanks Mom) to make my dreams a reality.
One day, someone will come to this blog to find out how I got started and they will see that it takes just a few simple things...you have to want it, you have to believe in it, you have to have potential but most importantly you have to trust that you deserve it. I think that is where I need the most work. I don't believe that I deserve much. I never have! I have always wanted more for those around me and those that I love.
But, for now, for today and in these forty five minutes, I am being selfish and I am thinking of only myself and what I want. I allow myself to write whatever comes next...no internal editor. I just sit here and type...I have potential after all. I have the same potential that you do...just need to unleash and unlock it.
Thank you Tom Ray! Thank you for teaching me about dreams and that the bigger the dream the harder you must fight for it! I know you lost that battle so many times. I watched you fail. I watched you lose everything. I watched you fight to get it back. I also watched you lose. I watched you give up and I watched you leave this earth.
I know, as a daughter, how fortunate I am to know my father was no super hero. He was human. He was flawed with imperfection. He spent his entire adulthood running from his childhood. The more he fought not to be like his own father the more he morphed into someone I didn't recognize. Alcohol and hate do that to people. Alcohol sucks everything out of you and leaves you more empty than when you first raised the glass and placed your lips on it. I saw how empty his life became as everyone he knew and loved faded into the background.
He sucked as my father and he totally sucked at being a husband. He was never the provider we deserved either. He never put our needs above his own. He never made sacrifices for us. But, in the last five years of his life, he redeemed himself in my eyes. He was my friend. He was my confidant. We had weekly Sunday afternoon phone calls that we both looked forward to having. He was good to me, as good as anyone can hope for. I miss him everyday. While you grow into all the other roles we become in our lives, we always begin our journey as some one's child - a son or a daughter. And when we lose a parent, we lose a part of ourselves. I miss you Daddy. I know you would be proud of me! I am writing...I am living. I am trying to make my dreams come true. Say hi to Jesus for me...I know you are with him.
love and hugs,
k
I just received some of the best feedback I have had in the last three months:
We suggest you enroll in a local writer’s workshop to develop a more sophisticated writing style. All of the important elements are here, they just need to be developed. You have wonderful potential! Try us again in six months to a year.
I LOVE THIS! My mom read my manuscript and she said that she noticed how different my writing was from the beginning of the story to the end. It was so much more dramatic, it made more sense. It is like with anything I suppose, you just have to continue doing it to get better.
I guess I hoped to be the next 'Stephenie Meyer'....you know, bang away at the computer, pump out this amazing love story and ride off into the sunset. I know where these crazy dreams come from...it's my father in me! Big dreams...HUGE dreams...but none that came to fruition. I can't be sad though...I might not have written the greatest novel my first shot...but hey, I do have a manuscript. I have a beginning, a middle and an end. I have hooks. I have drama. I have love. I have sex scenes that made my Mom blush a little bit. And like the agent above stated - I have potential!
I just need to make this my new mantra...I have potential! I do! I WANT to be a published author...I want to have a book published. I want a story, my words to make someone feel like I did when I read 'The Help' or when I read 'The Year of the Fog'. I want to write compelling story lines and characters that are flawed and human. I have the potential...I have the drive...and now I even have my own laptop (thanks Mom) to make my dreams a reality.
One day, someone will come to this blog to find out how I got started and they will see that it takes just a few simple things...you have to want it, you have to believe in it, you have to have potential but most importantly you have to trust that you deserve it. I think that is where I need the most work. I don't believe that I deserve much. I never have! I have always wanted more for those around me and those that I love.
But, for now, for today and in these forty five minutes, I am being selfish and I am thinking of only myself and what I want. I allow myself to write whatever comes next...no internal editor. I just sit here and type...I have potential after all. I have the same potential that you do...just need to unleash and unlock it.
Thank you Tom Ray! Thank you for teaching me about dreams and that the bigger the dream the harder you must fight for it! I know you lost that battle so many times. I watched you fail. I watched you lose everything. I watched you fight to get it back. I also watched you lose. I watched you give up and I watched you leave this earth.
I know, as a daughter, how fortunate I am to know my father was no super hero. He was human. He was flawed with imperfection. He spent his entire adulthood running from his childhood. The more he fought not to be like his own father the more he morphed into someone I didn't recognize. Alcohol and hate do that to people. Alcohol sucks everything out of you and leaves you more empty than when you first raised the glass and placed your lips on it. I saw how empty his life became as everyone he knew and loved faded into the background.
He sucked as my father and he totally sucked at being a husband. He was never the provider we deserved either. He never put our needs above his own. He never made sacrifices for us. But, in the last five years of his life, he redeemed himself in my eyes. He was my friend. He was my confidant. We had weekly Sunday afternoon phone calls that we both looked forward to having. He was good to me, as good as anyone can hope for. I miss him everyday. While you grow into all the other roles we become in our lives, we always begin our journey as some one's child - a son or a daughter. And when we lose a parent, we lose a part of ourselves. I miss you Daddy. I know you would be proud of me! I am writing...I am living. I am trying to make my dreams come true. Say hi to Jesus for me...I know you are with him.
love and hugs,
k
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Not much to say....
I don't feel good today.....I haven't really felt good all week! I don't know what is wrong, but whenever my stomach hurts, I feel like the bottom is going to fall out. Almost dying does that to a person! I am so nauseated and feel so bad. I try to blow it off...keep working...keep writing...keep going. But, in the back of my head I wonder...is it a hernia? Is it blockage? Nothing is ever as simple as it really seems.
Simple surgery goes bad. People end up in comas and in the hospital for six months. No? You think not? Hmmmm, well then we haven't met! I know this happens because it happened to me! And whenever I feel bad...I'm scared too death something will be wrong...I will need surgery and I will have to make a decision....live with the nausea, live with the pain or take my chances with a surgeon!
See...when you sign all that paperwork that you HAVE to sign before you can have surgery...and they gloss over the risks....the 1 to 4% chance that something bad will happen. Bad things do happen. Things do go wrong...and people can die!
I didn't die....I was lucky. But the minute I don't know what is wrong with me I begin to panic...how do you trust someone who almost killed you? I don't mean that I would ever go back to HER again...but I just have a fear of doctors in general. And the one doctor I trust with my life...because he saved it twice...is in Fargo, ND! UGH!!
Sometimes it seems like it's just too much asking to feel better.....
love and hugs!
k
Simple surgery goes bad. People end up in comas and in the hospital for six months. No? You think not? Hmmmm, well then we haven't met! I know this happens because it happened to me! And whenever I feel bad...I'm scared too death something will be wrong...I will need surgery and I will have to make a decision....live with the nausea, live with the pain or take my chances with a surgeon!
See...when you sign all that paperwork that you HAVE to sign before you can have surgery...and they gloss over the risks....the 1 to 4% chance that something bad will happen. Bad things do happen. Things do go wrong...and people can die!
I didn't die....I was lucky. But the minute I don't know what is wrong with me I begin to panic...how do you trust someone who almost killed you? I don't mean that I would ever go back to HER again...but I just have a fear of doctors in general. And the one doctor I trust with my life...because he saved it twice...is in Fargo, ND! UGH!!
Sometimes it seems like it's just too much asking to feel better.....
love and hugs!
k
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Hardest Days....
Days like today make me feel defeated and like the worst mother in the world! I actually did two things I've been threatening to do...#1 I turned off my 16 (child #1) and 13 (child #2) year old's phones...no texting, no calling...no outside world! I find out later...from the smart mouth of the 16 year old...I can still text from my iTouch!
'Oh Awesome!' I say. 'I guess I can just cancel all your phones...save myself some money then!' He stomped off to his room....guess it wasn't the reaction his was looking for. #2 I removed my daughter's door from her room...'You slam it ONE more time and I will take it off'. She actually did it two nights ago....but I decided today to keep my word.
I've made so many mistakes as a Mom....but the biggest one, is NEVER following through! I rant, I rave, I swear, I scream and I THREATEN....but that is all they are! That is all they see my words as so it was time to 'back them up'...it didn't hurt that my 16 year old told me - 'You don't have the balls to do it!' I've always loved a challenge....so God gave me 3 of them!
Last night I tried to explain some things to my kiddos...the youngest one totally gets it. 'It's all a game. Mom just wants you to do what she asks and be loved. If you guys did that, then it would all be good.'
A game? It is isn't? If they play nice, do what I ask, when I ask....I crumble...I will do anything for them. But, too many days and weeks like the last three....and it's time to shut my mouth and my wallet! It's a bit liberating honestly...taking back the control in our home! Well, I didn't take it back...I 'resigned' from parenting duties for kids #1 and #2. They must go through Dad from now on. I needed a break! I needed to step back...regain my composure and common sense.
I want to see things 'glass half full' and I don't want to dread 4pm when the kids come home! These are the things no one talks about...no one tells you how really hard being the momma is! It is the hardest job you will ever love/hate/dread/embrace! I love my children all three of them...I love them differently, I love them equally, I love who they are, I love who they will someday be, I love having them in my life. I just have to take a break sometimes...this week I'm doing that. It's really no secret that this week and next will be ALL about me...milestone birthday next week....the BIG 4 0! I'm dreading it!!!
I'll let you know when my mommy sabbatical with #1 and #2 is over...however, #2...she's so smart! She understands the game more today....she was so sweet and so pleasant this afternoon...without her phone and without her door! She dusted, she swept, she mopped...all without any prompting.
Where is #1? He just posted on Facebook (via his iTouch 'why am i always messing up?') and he's upstairs in his room trying to figure out how to play the game....I have no doubt, when his ego takes a break...he'll figure it out.
All I want is a little less attitude, a little more respect sprinkled with a sincere "I'm Sorry", followed by a 'I love you, Mom'...
love and hugs,
k
'Oh Awesome!' I say. 'I guess I can just cancel all your phones...save myself some money then!' He stomped off to his room....guess it wasn't the reaction his was looking for. #2 I removed my daughter's door from her room...'You slam it ONE more time and I will take it off'. She actually did it two nights ago....but I decided today to keep my word.
I've made so many mistakes as a Mom....but the biggest one, is NEVER following through! I rant, I rave, I swear, I scream and I THREATEN....but that is all they are! That is all they see my words as so it was time to 'back them up'...it didn't hurt that my 16 year old told me - 'You don't have the balls to do it!' I've always loved a challenge....so God gave me 3 of them!
Last night I tried to explain some things to my kiddos...the youngest one totally gets it. 'It's all a game. Mom just wants you to do what she asks and be loved. If you guys did that, then it would all be good.'
A game? It is isn't? If they play nice, do what I ask, when I ask....I crumble...I will do anything for them. But, too many days and weeks like the last three....and it's time to shut my mouth and my wallet! It's a bit liberating honestly...taking back the control in our home! Well, I didn't take it back...I 'resigned' from parenting duties for kids #1 and #2. They must go through Dad from now on. I needed a break! I needed to step back...regain my composure and common sense.
I want to see things 'glass half full' and I don't want to dread 4pm when the kids come home! These are the things no one talks about...no one tells you how really hard being the momma is! It is the hardest job you will ever love/hate/dread/embrace! I love my children all three of them...I love them differently, I love them equally, I love who they are, I love who they will someday be, I love having them in my life. I just have to take a break sometimes...this week I'm doing that. It's really no secret that this week and next will be ALL about me...milestone birthday next week....the BIG 4 0! I'm dreading it!!!
I'll let you know when my mommy sabbatical with #1 and #2 is over...however, #2...she's so smart! She understands the game more today....she was so sweet and so pleasant this afternoon...without her phone and without her door! She dusted, she swept, she mopped...all without any prompting.
Where is #1? He just posted on Facebook (via his iTouch 'why am i always messing up?') and he's upstairs in his room trying to figure out how to play the game....I have no doubt, when his ego takes a break...he'll figure it out.
All I want is a little less attitude, a little more respect sprinkled with a sincere "I'm Sorry", followed by a 'I love you, Mom'...
love and hugs,
k
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