This is me...

Hey there! So glad you landed upon my little blog spot on earth! I'm trying to keep it real and hold myself accountable and figured venturing out into the public just might do the trick! So follow me...I can only promise that I will be honest, brutally honest most of the if you don't like that, then move on! And if you choose to stay...glad you found me! Join me on the adventure of my's the NEXT forty years of my life...if the first forty is any indication of the next...well, it will be interesting to say the least...

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Father's Day...without my Dad

Father's Day is bittersweet for always has been!  My father passed away suddenly and unexpectedly on August 2, 2006.  I don't know how you ever fully grieve that kind of loss.  No matter what kind of man or father he might have been that kind of a loss is so very hard to process.  I don't think I ever have fully processed that.  Life went on and a month later I got very ill and had to fight for my own life.  And fight I did!

I struggle so much with his death because I don't think that he ever fought hard enough in this life for himself or for his daughters.  I think he gave up on himself a long time before he and I ever met.  I think that maybe at first, I was good for him and his life.  And then along came my sister, and the responsibilities of life and having a family just became too much.  And a lifetime before us of abuse and alcoholism took over, and we lost him. 

I had lost him so many times before August 2, 2006.  I lost him the first time I found him passed out drunk with a Jim Beam bottle in his hand.  I lost him every time he promised me something, while he was drunk, that never came true.  I lost him when he moved out when I was 11.  I lost him again weeks before my 14th birthday. 

Our paths crossed over the years many time.  I was the dutiful daughter and I called every Sunday, just like a good girl did because he expected that.  He always expected so much of us when he gave so little to us.  I loved him through it all.  I loved him when he didn't deserve it and when it didn't feel like he loved me back.  I loved him in spite of who he was.  I loved him because he was my Daddy.

I don't think fathers or mothers totally understand the real influence they have on their children until maybe when they become parents themselves.  Unfortunately, sometimes we realize it after years of doing the wrong things.  I know I have spent so much time not making the same mistakes he did, that I have made million other ones.  I believed that if I didn't drink and I didn't get divorced, then everything would be fine.

If only life stayed as simple as it does when you are a child.  Cut and dry.  Easy.  Simple.

In the last few years of his life, my Dad returned to me again.  Our Sunday calls were always something that I look forward to.  Only today, looking back now, I realize that those could have been in person visits.  He only lived an hour from me!  Yet, getting together was such a chore.  That makes me sad.  I wasn't even worth a drive...

But, we must forgive and move on...or I will find myself in another rage or fit over all the things he didn't do or couldn't do.  I believe they might be one in the same.  I miss him.  I miss his voice and the friendship he offered me.  He might not have been the best Dad, but he was a good friend.  Someone I could talk to about anything...and we argued!  But, I guess that what was what we did!


Monday, June 6, 2011

Dog Days of Summer

I have waited for this day for months now...Talent Show?  OVER!  Sixth Grade Salute?  Over!  Last Day of School?  Over!  End of  year Pool Party?  OVER!  Finals?  OVER!  Dance Recital Rehearsal?  OVER!  Dance Recital?  OVER!  Basketball Tournament?  OVER!  And this wall in just the last 5 days!  I don't think when you have kids you ever wonder about what the end of the school year will look like for you and your kids!  So much to little time!  Oh, and I've got a full-time job that ALWAYS has a project going on at the exact same time!  I typically remain tired...but I have to admit...I have felt whipped!

Ryan unexpectedly showed up at Jakob's game today!  It was a nice surprise!  It was a great afternoon...until we got home.  There was no one else around and as soon as he figured out he didn't have a room to return to, the attitude kicked in.  I stayed calm for as long as I could.  There was not a lot of remorse or even sadness on his part.  I kept telling myself, "He's just a kid".  My head knows heart doesn't!

This has got to be the WORST part of parenting.  Loving them so much and wanting to protect them, torn only by your own survival instincts.  I pray that he will find his way and can live under our roof within the confines of our rules.  Be respectful.  Do as your told.  Pass your classes.  Finish high school.  We shall see...only time will tell.  I do know that I won't let it go where it went before.  I have to learn that being right isn't always as important as loving him.  He's going to be a's his hormones and age that rule that.  I have learn to 'guide' not 'command'. 

We need to take a test and drive times to get a driver's license...we should be required to do the same before we can have kids!  Every kid is as different as every parent.  It's all personalities, genes and hormones all rolled in to one!  It's hard.  It shouldn't have to be this hard.  But, I guess it's true...sometimes love just isn't enough...or at least it's not the ONLY piece of the puzzle.  It might be the best...but you can definitely LOVE someone and NOT like them!

I just pray for strength and wisdom.  Maybe I need to apply the AA mantra to my real life...

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

I think I will memorize this....and recite it to myself in the moments when I want to just GO OFF!  I'll let you know how that works out...I'm hoping to find the time to blog and write over the summer!  I've got to keep my dream alive!


Thursday, June 2, 2011

The Places You'll Go

It's been a hectic last few months...end of school, finals, TAKS results, PCE Talent Show, 6th grade salute...all activities and things going on with the kids...then there is work, life, basketball, spring football, dance recitals, etc!  It's a busy busy life we lead!  Three kids, two dogs and a niece all living under our roof!  Something is bound to go wrong right...just the law of physics...or maybe it's Murphy's Law...seems when you  have the most to do...the most unexpected things happen, too! 

My oldest isn't living with us right now.  I'm angry at him and I'm sad.  I miss him so much but at the same time know that he can't live here with us right now.  I just have to get through this week for my other two kids and then figure things out with him later.  Sometimes it's just all too much!  Too much life...too much attitude...too much wanting to be an adult when he's not!  I don't presume to know everything that is going on in his 'I'll be 17 in a month' brain.

He's pushing.  I'm pushing.  He's pulling.  I'm pushing.  It's my job right?  To set expectations and place limits.  It's his job to challenge them within reason.  He's gone outside the realm of what is reasonable and is in the land of 'I just don't care'.  Jakob graduated from 6th grade tonight.  It should have been a family occasion, only Ryan wasn't there.  In fact, he hasn't reached out to his brother or sister at all since this all went down.  That makes me so sad...sad for him, sad for much responsibility and accountability do I have to take in all this?  Half?  Three quarters?  When do we tell our kids, you know what?  These are YOUR choices, these are YOUR decisions, they are the WRONG ones but own them.

I never had any idea that parenting would be the most difficult thing EVER.  You love someone more than you ever thought physically possible.  You worry.  You obsess.  You borrow trouble every time you turn around.  You want things to be easier than you had them, better than you had them.  But,  unfortunately, graciousness can't be taught to those who have never gone with out.  It's such a double edge sword.  Having him gone is so hard for me.  I cried most of the day today.  But, in the end, he didn't even try to come.

If he had called and asked to come, of course I would have let him.  He needs to learn to be there for his little brother and sister, yet the only priority on his mind, is him.  Which I guess is the definition of being a teenager, but it's still unacceptable.  We all do things we don't want to do EVERY single day...whether it's going to school or work...but we all have jobs to do. 

I'm sure I'm rambling and making no's late.  I'm emotionally and physically drained.  I don't have any answers and I find myself with more questions daily....I guess all I can do is really try to 'Let Go, Let God'.  I can't control it .... I never could...I miss my boy though!  It just seems he doesn't miss us...and that hurts more than anything else!


Monday, May 9, 2011

Judds vs. Rays

I have always been fascinated with Wynonna and Naomi Judd.  I remember going to a Judd concert, with my then best friend, Lee Ann and singing along to every song.  Wanting to be on that stage, but knowing that I can't carry a tune, that dream was just a bit of envy really.  But, what I think I wanted more than anything, was to share something so profound with my mom. 

Little did any of us know that the Mother/Daughter duo was anything but happy behind the scenes!  There was enough hurt and heartache going on to fill up one of their sold out shows!  How sad!  How sad that something that was bringing millions of fans so much happiness was literally tearing them apart!

The mother/daughter relationship is probably the most complex in the world.  No one can love you more than your own mother, it would seem.  But it also suffices to say, no one can hurt you as much either.  It can be literally through words or behavior, or it can be more subtle through lack of involvement or caring.  Either way, that relationship can be the tie that binds or the straw that breaks the camels back.  It still amazes me that we need a license to drive, hunt or fish, but ANYONE can become parents!

I've been watching the Judd's on OWN and am fascinated by the dynamics of that family in relation to my own.  There were three Ray women in our house.  My father and mother divorced when I was a freshman in high school.  Daddy left just before my 14th birthday.  Life, as miserable as it had been, was about to take on a whole new meaning!  There wasn't much time to grieve the marriage or the loss of our father because as it so happens, life goes on!

I see myself as Wynonna and Sloan (my sister) as Ashley.  Wynonna is the in 'your face' all the time, wears her heart and emotions on her sleeves.  She has forgiven Naomi, but she has not forgotten.  I don't know that any of us every truly forgets when we have been seriously wounded by another, especially when we have been wounded by the very people who are supposed to love us no matter what!

Now, I must admit, the Judd's have a lot of strange crap they are dealing with...and sometimes I find them to be whining and not getting very far!  But, the most profound thing I've seen so far, is the way Ashley's new book is killing Naomi.  It's the quiet ones you have to watch out for!

I am beginning to see now how difficult it must have been for my sister to grow up surrounded by the anger and hurt that my mother and I had for each other, our situation and those who came into contact with us.  To say I was an angry teenager doesn't even come close.  I was so wounded by my father's drinking, his leaving, my mother's choices and the lack of direction I seemed to not get, that I got consumed by the anger.  It literally left a whole in my heart and a self loathing that no one could see.

I can see it now though!  All these pounds...they are from years of feeling not worthy, not loved, not special and not regarded.  I was just a kid!  I was a kid that shouldn't have had to start hating herself before she even started living!  I made so many bad choices because I deemed myself unworthy the day my father dropped me off at my friend Jen's house and as I set my stuff down, and turned to tell him goodbye, he had already driven down the road.  I stood watching his car drive away...and with him went my self worth, gone in just seconds.

Years later, he would make some very profound observations about me and food.  He watched me devour a tub of ice cream.  He said that he could tell I wasn't enjoying it, I was just sitting there mindlessly eating it.  I never once smiled or even showed that what I was doing even registered.  I of course have no recollection of such a time.  I do know that we fought often about my food choices and that I soon found this to be a source of irritation for both him and my mother.  She was skinny and an aerobic instructor and a PE teacher.  She was blonde and beautiful.

So, subconsciously or unconsciously, I began to use food as a tool to get back at them and hurt myself.  I guess I still do.  I don't even really know!  I don't know that I ever eat because I am truly hungry or if I eat mainly to satisfy some unpleasant feeling or as a distraction.  The one thing I do know that I learned at a young age, was that food was my friend.  Food would never let me down!

And now, I've let myself is my drug!  I'm not a drunk like my Daddy, but I'm an addict just the same.  I hate this part of myself more than anyone can ever imagine!  I think it might be easier if it was something I could learn to live without...but how do you quit relying on the one thing you need most to survive in this world?  I do still mean food...but I guess the same could be said about my parents as well.  Maybe that is the paradox - I wanted them, but they were so unattainable to me as a child.  So, I turned to food.  Sounds like such a fucking load of bullshit!  I hate all this crap really!

I just need to quit watching OWN and the Judds!  :):)


Wednesday, April 27, 2011

It's been a while...

I really wish I knew exactly where the time's been about a month since I last wrote here.  I guess I am consistently inconsistent!  But, consistent in always putting myself last!  Some days I am just too tired to write, which I hate.  Writing brings me almost as much pleasure and satisfaction as reading does.

Life has just been going as it does so often!

But...there is a writing contest that I want to enter and the deadline is June 8th.  It's a contest where you only submit the first 3 chapters of your novel.  I am going to really be working on those first three chapter over the course of the next month to get them ready.  Of course between now and then, we have a million 'end of school' things going on so I will have to fit myself into my schedule.

Haven't been dieting much at all.  I have noticed the numbers going up on the scale, and I would give ANYTHING to know exactly why this is something that I just can't seem to do.  Not on my own anyway!  Not for long periods of time and certainly not successfully.  I hate that part of myself more than anything!

I want to make it my number one priority...but I just can't!  I can't make myself a priority!  I view it as selfish and absolutely ridiculous!  I just want everyone I love to be happy and then I will be happy.  But, that isn't true at all.  I'm miserable in my own skin.  As my belly grows, I feel worse about myself and more angry.  I can do almost anything I put my mind to, but losing weight is just not one of them. 

I would consider surgery except with my history, I don't know of any doctor that will TOUCH my stomach area.  I worry about the damage and the scar tissue that is looming just below the surface.  Maybe with all the fat protecting it, maybe I won't ever have any other issues.  I honestly don't know what the hell is wrong with me and the way I think.  I am forty years old with the mentality of a teenager!  I swear I make no sense most of the time.

It's hard to be me...I guess it's hard to be anyone really.  And no matter what choices and changes you make, underneath it are still you.  And what if you really don't like that person much?  I think I dislike myself so much because I can't conquer the 'weight demon'.  I know what I need to do...I've known that forever...I just can't find the determination to do it!

I remember the first time I realized just how much my weight dominated my life.  I let it be a deciding factor in a stupid decision I made.  I made the wrong decision followed by many years of wrong decisions...all because I never thought I was thin enough or beautiful enough to deserve to be treated with respect.  Life can be full of regrets, if you choose to go through life that way.  But, I have an amazing husband, great kids and  good life.  I just wish that 16 year old girl would forgive me and move on, and grow up.


Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Hormones? Yep...that was the missing link

I guess we are basically a slave to our hormones our entire life!  First we spend years getting ready to hit puberty and all it's wonders...then comes the 'birthing' years, which could potentially last well until your fifties.  Then comes the most dangerous and devious of them all for women...menopause!  I see those stupid commercials talking about how it doesn't have to be that bad and blah blah blah!  IT SUCKS!  It totally and completely does...and anyone who says it doesn't is LYING!

I had a partial hysterectomy in 2002 and then a second one in 2006!  I got nothing inside now!  I remember it being described to me as this:  imagine normal menopause as this, you are driving in a car at 55 mph and gradually you put the breaks on, very gradually until eventually the car slows and stops.  That's how it's suppose to happen.  But to someone who is 35 it is more like going 55 mph straight into a brick wall!  It's's over!

So, I have been going to the same female doctor for the last three years.  At each check up, the only thing she talks about is my weight.  And at my last visit in December, I was totally dejected!  She basically said, or at least what I heard was:  You are fat.  Eat less.  Exercise more.  Good bye!

I had become to think that the hot flashes, the moodiness, the irritability, the memory loss...EVERYTHING was because I was fat!  Well, turns out...not so much!  I know many fat chicks, and none of them were having the kinds of 'sweaty fits' that I did!  And now, I'm not having them either! 

I went to a male doctor...and while I thought I would be more comfortable with a woman because she should know what's going on...turns out...not so much!!  He laughed when I told him what she had said and he said, "I might not be a woman, but it's really all about biology!"  Doesn't hurt that his wife had been on the same two drugs I had and he KNEW from experience that it wasn't working!

I have been on this patch since last Thursday and physically I feel totally different!  It's really amazing!

I still can't seem to find time to do this everyday yet...but I'm getting's baby steps!


Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Spring? Really?

Yesterday was the first day of wasn't that pretty outside really.  It was more like one of those days at the very very end of Fall.  Dreary.  And that is about all it takes to put me in a mood.  I wouldn't say I am depressed...after all, I am out of bed.  However, because I work from home...I am not showered or dressed.  I am still in my pajamas, and really don't know if I will change any time soon.

My head is pounding.  I'm sure it's the weather!  Or maybe it's the stress or maybe it's the weight gain.  I don' t know.  I feel like when I take two steps forward in one part of my life, like my writing, then I take two steps backward in other areas.  My weight has been an issue for so many years that at this point I've lost count.  All I do know is that I NEED to do something about it, yet I choose not to. 

I had never watched an episode of 'Ruby' before, although I had seen her on Oprah.  I marvel at her determination and she has come so far.  She's hitting a wall now though...she doesn't want to deal with what is on the inside.  I guess that is where I am, too.  I can diet and exercise, and the weight does come off.  My issue is I lose about 50lbs and then I feel good, so then I start slipping up and then I'm back up...and this time, I'm really back up!

I don't know why I'm so fat!  I never really understood it when it first started happening...I didn't gain the freshman 15 in college...I'm pretty sure it was the freshman 60.  And then I tried to do something about it...then I got pregnant...and here I am.  Miserable!  Miserable with  myself so much so that it's starting to affect other areas of my life.

I know I can only take one day at a time, but it seems so daunting at this point.  I welcome Spring and the sun.  Maybe the Spring and the sun will change my feelings and attitude.  I hope it will get me motivated to move more and eat less.  I'm not in my thirties anymore, and it's only going to be that much harder to lose!  YUCK!

I'm in a mood...again!