Father's Day is bittersweet for me...it always has been! My father passed away suddenly and unexpectedly on August 2, 2006. I don't know how you ever fully grieve that kind of loss. No matter what kind of man or father he might have been that kind of a loss is so very hard to process. I don't think I ever have fully processed that. Life went on and a month later I got very ill and had to fight for my own life. And fight I did!
I struggle so much with his death because I don't think that he ever fought hard enough in this life for himself or for his daughters. I think he gave up on himself a long time before he and I ever met. I think that maybe at first, I was good for him and his life. And then along came my sister, and the responsibilities of life and having a family just became too much. And a lifetime before us of abuse and alcoholism took over, and we lost him.
I had lost him so many times before August 2, 2006. I lost him the first time I found him passed out drunk with a Jim Beam bottle in his hand. I lost him every time he promised me something, while he was drunk, that never came true. I lost him when he moved out when I was 11. I lost him again weeks before my 14th birthday.
Our paths crossed over the years many time. I was the dutiful daughter and I called every Sunday, just like a good girl did because he expected that. He always expected so much of us when he gave so little to us. I loved him through it all. I loved him when he didn't deserve it and when it didn't feel like he loved me back. I loved him in spite of who he was. I loved him because he was my Daddy.
I don't think fathers or mothers totally understand the real influence they have on their children until maybe when they become parents themselves. Unfortunately, sometimes we realize it after years of doing the wrong things. I know I have spent so much time not making the same mistakes he did, that I have made million other ones. I believed that if I didn't drink and I didn't get divorced, then everything would be fine.
If only life stayed as simple as it does when you are a child. Cut and dry. Easy. Simple.
In the last few years of his life, my Dad returned to me again. Our Sunday calls were always something that I look forward to. Only today, looking back now, I realize that those could have been in person visits. He only lived an hour from me! Yet, getting together was such a chore. That makes me sad. I wasn't even worth a drive...
But, we must forgive and move on...or I will find myself in another rage or fit over all the things he didn't do or couldn't do. I believe they might be one in the same. I miss him. I miss his voice and the friendship he offered me. He might not have been the best Dad, but he was a good friend. Someone I could talk to about anything...and we argued! But, I guess that what was what we did!
~k
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Monday, June 6, 2011
Dog Days of Summer
I have waited for this day for months now...Talent Show? OVER! Sixth Grade Salute? Over! Last Day of School? Over! End of year Pool Party? OVER! Finals? OVER! Dance Recital Rehearsal? OVER! Dance Recital? OVER! Basketball Tournament? OVER! And this wall in just the last 5 days! I don't think when you have kids you ever wonder about what the end of the school year will look like for you and your kids! So much to do...so little time! Oh, and I've got a full-time job that ALWAYS has a project going on at the exact same time! I typically remain tired...but I have to admit...I have felt whipped!
Ryan unexpectedly showed up at Jakob's game today! It was a nice surprise! It was a great afternoon...until we got home. There was no one else around and as soon as he figured out he didn't have a room to return to, the attitude kicked in. I stayed calm for as long as I could. There was not a lot of remorse or even sadness on his part. I kept telling myself, "He's just a kid". My head knows this...my heart doesn't!
This has got to be the WORST part of parenting. Loving them so much and wanting to protect them, torn only by your own survival instincts. I pray that he will find his way and can live under our roof within the confines of our rules. Be respectful. Do as your told. Pass your classes. Finish high school. We shall see...only time will tell. I do know that I won't let it go where it went before. I have to learn that being right isn't always as important as loving him. He's going to be a jerk...it's his hormones and age that rule that. I have learn to 'guide' not 'command'.
We need to take a test and drive times to get a driver's license...we should be required to do the same before we can have kids! Every kid is as different as every parent. It's all personalities, genes and hormones all rolled in to one! It's hard. It shouldn't have to be this hard. But, I guess it's true...sometimes love just isn't enough...or at least it's not the ONLY piece of the puzzle. It might be the best...but you can definitely LOVE someone and NOT like them!
I just pray for strength and wisdom. Maybe I need to apply the AA mantra to my real life...
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
I think I will memorize this....and recite it to myself in the moments when I want to just GO OFF! I'll let you know how that works out...I'm hoping to find the time to blog and write over the summer! I've got to keep my dream alive!
~k
Ryan unexpectedly showed up at Jakob's game today! It was a nice surprise! It was a great afternoon...until we got home. There was no one else around and as soon as he figured out he didn't have a room to return to, the attitude kicked in. I stayed calm for as long as I could. There was not a lot of remorse or even sadness on his part. I kept telling myself, "He's just a kid". My head knows this...my heart doesn't!
This has got to be the WORST part of parenting. Loving them so much and wanting to protect them, torn only by your own survival instincts. I pray that he will find his way and can live under our roof within the confines of our rules. Be respectful. Do as your told. Pass your classes. Finish high school. We shall see...only time will tell. I do know that I won't let it go where it went before. I have to learn that being right isn't always as important as loving him. He's going to be a jerk...it's his hormones and age that rule that. I have learn to 'guide' not 'command'.
We need to take a test and drive times to get a driver's license...we should be required to do the same before we can have kids! Every kid is as different as every parent. It's all personalities, genes and hormones all rolled in to one! It's hard. It shouldn't have to be this hard. But, I guess it's true...sometimes love just isn't enough...or at least it's not the ONLY piece of the puzzle. It might be the best...but you can definitely LOVE someone and NOT like them!
I just pray for strength and wisdom. Maybe I need to apply the AA mantra to my real life...
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
I think I will memorize this....and recite it to myself in the moments when I want to just GO OFF! I'll let you know how that works out...I'm hoping to find the time to blog and write over the summer! I've got to keep my dream alive!
~k
Thursday, June 2, 2011
The Places You'll Go
It's been a hectic last few months...end of school, finals, TAKS results, PCE Talent Show, 6th grade salute...all activities and things going on with the kids...then there is work, life, basketball, spring football, dance recitals, etc! It's a busy busy life we lead! Three kids, two dogs and a niece all living under our roof! Something is bound to go wrong right...just the law of physics...or maybe it's Murphy's Law...seems when you have the most to do...the most unexpected things happen, too!
My oldest isn't living with us right now. I'm angry at him and I'm sad. I miss him so much but at the same time know that he can't live here with us right now. I just have to get through this week for my other two kids and then figure things out with him later. Sometimes it's just all too much! Too much life...too much attitude...too much wanting to be an adult when he's not! I don't presume to know everything that is going on in his 'I'll be 17 in a month' brain.
He's pushing. I'm pushing. He's pulling. I'm pushing. It's my job right? To set expectations and place limits. It's his job to challenge them within reason. He's gone outside the realm of what is reasonable and is in the land of 'I just don't care'. Jakob graduated from 6th grade tonight. It should have been a family occasion, only Ryan wasn't there. In fact, he hasn't reached out to his brother or sister at all since this all went down. That makes me so sad...sad for him, sad for them...how much responsibility and accountability do I have to take in all this? Half? Three quarters? When do we tell our kids, you know what? These are YOUR choices, these are YOUR decisions, they are the WRONG ones but own them.
I never had any idea that parenting would be the most difficult thing EVER. You love someone more than you ever thought physically possible. You worry. You obsess. You borrow trouble every time you turn around. You want things to be easier than you had them, better than you had them. But, unfortunately, graciousness can't be taught to those who have never gone with out. It's such a double edge sword. Having him gone is so hard for me. I cried most of the day today. But, in the end, he didn't even try to come.
If he had called and asked to come, of course I would have let him. He needs to learn to be there for his little brother and sister, yet the only priority on his mind, is him. Which I guess is the definition of being a teenager, but it's still unacceptable. We all do things we don't want to do EVERY single day...whether it's going to school or work...but we all have jobs to do.
I'm sure I'm rambling and making no sense...it's late. I'm emotionally and physically drained. I don't have any answers and I find myself with more questions daily....I guess all I can do is really try to 'Let Go, Let God'. I can't control it .... I never could...I miss my boy though! It just seems he doesn't miss us...and that hurts more than anything else!
~k
My oldest isn't living with us right now. I'm angry at him and I'm sad. I miss him so much but at the same time know that he can't live here with us right now. I just have to get through this week for my other two kids and then figure things out with him later. Sometimes it's just all too much! Too much life...too much attitude...too much wanting to be an adult when he's not! I don't presume to know everything that is going on in his 'I'll be 17 in a month' brain.
He's pushing. I'm pushing. He's pulling. I'm pushing. It's my job right? To set expectations and place limits. It's his job to challenge them within reason. He's gone outside the realm of what is reasonable and is in the land of 'I just don't care'. Jakob graduated from 6th grade tonight. It should have been a family occasion, only Ryan wasn't there. In fact, he hasn't reached out to his brother or sister at all since this all went down. That makes me so sad...sad for him, sad for them...how much responsibility and accountability do I have to take in all this? Half? Three quarters? When do we tell our kids, you know what? These are YOUR choices, these are YOUR decisions, they are the WRONG ones but own them.
I never had any idea that parenting would be the most difficult thing EVER. You love someone more than you ever thought physically possible. You worry. You obsess. You borrow trouble every time you turn around. You want things to be easier than you had them, better than you had them. But, unfortunately, graciousness can't be taught to those who have never gone with out. It's such a double edge sword. Having him gone is so hard for me. I cried most of the day today. But, in the end, he didn't even try to come.
If he had called and asked to come, of course I would have let him. He needs to learn to be there for his little brother and sister, yet the only priority on his mind, is him. Which I guess is the definition of being a teenager, but it's still unacceptable. We all do things we don't want to do EVERY single day...whether it's going to school or work...but we all have jobs to do.
I'm sure I'm rambling and making no sense...it's late. I'm emotionally and physically drained. I don't have any answers and I find myself with more questions daily....I guess all I can do is really try to 'Let Go, Let God'. I can't control it .... I never could...I miss my boy though! It just seems he doesn't miss us...and that hurts more than anything else!
~k
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