It's been a hectic last few months...end of school, finals, TAKS results, PCE Talent Show, 6th grade salute...all activities and things going on with the kids...then there is work, life, basketball, spring football, dance recitals, etc! It's a busy busy life we lead! Three kids, two dogs and a niece all living under our roof! Something is bound to go wrong right...just the law of physics...or maybe it's Murphy's Law...seems when you have the most to do...the most unexpected things happen, too!
My oldest isn't living with us right now. I'm angry at him and I'm sad. I miss him so much but at the same time know that he can't live here with us right now. I just have to get through this week for my other two kids and then figure things out with him later. Sometimes it's just all too much! Too much life...too much attitude...too much wanting to be an adult when he's not! I don't presume to know everything that is going on in his 'I'll be 17 in a month' brain.
He's pushing. I'm pushing. He's pulling. I'm pushing. It's my job right? To set expectations and place limits. It's his job to challenge them within reason. He's gone outside the realm of what is reasonable and is in the land of 'I just don't care'. Jakob graduated from 6th grade tonight. It should have been a family occasion, only Ryan wasn't there. In fact, he hasn't reached out to his brother or sister at all since this all went down. That makes me so sad...sad for him, sad for them...how much responsibility and accountability do I have to take in all this? Half? Three quarters? When do we tell our kids, you know what? These are YOUR choices, these are YOUR decisions, they are the WRONG ones but own them.
I never had any idea that parenting would be the most difficult thing EVER. You love someone more than you ever thought physically possible. You worry. You obsess. You borrow trouble every time you turn around. You want things to be easier than you had them, better than you had them. But, unfortunately, graciousness can't be taught to those who have never gone with out. It's such a double edge sword. Having him gone is so hard for me. I cried most of the day today. But, in the end, he didn't even try to come.
If he had called and asked to come, of course I would have let him. He needs to learn to be there for his little brother and sister, yet the only priority on his mind, is him. Which I guess is the definition of being a teenager, but it's still unacceptable. We all do things we don't want to do EVERY single day...whether it's going to school or work...but we all have jobs to do.
I'm sure I'm rambling and making no sense...it's late. I'm emotionally and physically drained. I don't have any answers and I find myself with more questions daily....I guess all I can do is really try to 'Let Go, Let God'. I can't control it .... I never could...I miss my boy though! It just seems he doesn't miss us...and that hurts more than anything else!
~k
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