I have always been fascinated with Wynonna and Naomi Judd. I remember going to a Judd concert, with my then best friend, Lee Ann and singing along to every song. Wanting to be on that stage, but knowing that I can't carry a tune, that dream was just a bit of envy really. But, what I think I wanted more than anything, was to share something so profound with my mom.
Little did any of us know that the Mother/Daughter duo was anything but happy behind the scenes! There was enough hurt and heartache going on to fill up one of their sold out shows! How sad! How sad that something that was bringing millions of fans so much happiness was literally tearing them apart!
The mother/daughter relationship is probably the most complex in the world. No one can love you more than your own mother, it would seem. But it also suffices to say, no one can hurt you as much either. It can be literally through words or behavior, or it can be more subtle through lack of involvement or caring. Either way, that relationship can be the tie that binds or the straw that breaks the camels back. It still amazes me that we need a license to drive, hunt or fish, but ANYONE can become parents!
I've been watching the Judd's on OWN and am fascinated by the dynamics of that family in relation to my own. There were three Ray women in our house. My father and mother divorced when I was a freshman in high school. Daddy left just before my 14th birthday. Life, as miserable as it had been, was about to take on a whole new meaning! There wasn't much time to grieve the marriage or the loss of our father because as it so happens, life goes on!
I see myself as Wynonna and Sloan (my sister) as Ashley. Wynonna is the in 'your face' all the time, wears her heart and emotions on her sleeves. She has forgiven Naomi, but she has not forgotten. I don't know that any of us every truly forgets when we have been seriously wounded by another, especially when we have been wounded by the very people who are supposed to love us no matter what!
Now, I must admit, the Judd's have a lot of strange crap they are dealing with...and sometimes I find them to be whining and not getting very far! But, the most profound thing I've seen so far, is the way Ashley's new book is killing Naomi. It's the quiet ones you have to watch out for!
I am beginning to see now how difficult it must have been for my sister to grow up surrounded by the anger and hurt that my mother and I had for each other, our situation and those who came into contact with us. To say I was an angry teenager doesn't even come close. I was so wounded by my father's drinking, his leaving, my mother's choices and the lack of direction I seemed to not get, that I got consumed by the anger. It literally left a whole in my heart and a self loathing that no one could see.
I can see it now though! All these pounds...they are from years of feeling not worthy, not loved, not special and not regarded. I was just a kid! I was a kid that shouldn't have had to start hating herself before she even started living! I made so many bad choices because I deemed myself unworthy the day my father dropped me off at my friend Jen's house and as I set my stuff down, and turned to tell him goodbye, he had already driven down the road. I stood watching his car drive away...and with him went my self worth, gone in just seconds.
Years later, he would make some very profound observations about me and food. He watched me devour a tub of ice cream. He said that he could tell I wasn't enjoying it, I was just sitting there mindlessly eating it. I never once smiled or even showed that what I was doing even registered. I of course have no recollection of such a time. I do know that we fought often about my food choices and that I soon found this to be a source of irritation for both him and my mother. She was skinny and an aerobic instructor and a PE teacher. She was blonde and beautiful.
So, subconsciously or unconsciously, I began to use food as a tool to get back at them and hurt myself. I guess I still do. I don't even really know! I don't know that I ever eat because I am truly hungry or if I eat mainly to satisfy some unpleasant feeling or as a distraction. The one thing I do know that I learned at a young age, was that food was my friend. Food would never let me down!
And now, I've let myself down...food is my drug! I'm not a drunk like my Daddy, but I'm an addict just the same. I hate this part of myself more than anyone can ever imagine! I think it might be easier if it was something I could learn to live without...but how do you quit relying on the one thing you need most to survive in this world? I do still mean food...but I guess the same could be said about my parents as well. Maybe that is the paradox - I wanted them, but they were so unattainable to me as a child. So, I turned to food. Sounds like such a fucking load of bullshit! I hate all this crap really!
I just need to quit watching OWN and the Judds! :):)
xoxo
~k
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