I really wish I knew exactly where the time goes..it's been about a month since I last wrote here. I guess I am consistently inconsistent! But, consistent in always putting myself last! Some days I am just too tired to write, which I hate. Writing brings me almost as much pleasure and satisfaction as reading does.
Life has just been going as it does so often!
But...there is a writing contest that I want to enter and the deadline is June 8th. It's a contest where you only submit the first 3 chapters of your novel. I am going to really be working on those first three chapter over the course of the next month to get them ready. Of course between now and then, we have a million 'end of school' things going on so I will have to fit myself into my schedule.
Haven't been dieting much at all. I have noticed the numbers going up on the scale, and I would give ANYTHING to know exactly why this is something that I just can't seem to do. Not on my own anyway! Not for long periods of time and certainly not successfully. I hate that part of myself more than anything!
I want to make it my number one priority...but I just can't! I can't make myself a priority! I view it as selfish and absolutely ridiculous! I just want everyone I love to be happy and then I will be happy. But, that isn't true at all. I'm miserable in my own skin. As my belly grows, I feel worse about myself and more angry. I can do almost anything I put my mind to, but losing weight is just not one of them.
I would consider surgery except with my history, I don't know of any doctor that will TOUCH my stomach area. I worry about the damage and the scar tissue that is looming just below the surface. Maybe with all the fat protecting it, maybe I won't ever have any other issues. I honestly don't know what the hell is wrong with me and the way I think. I am forty years old with the mentality of a teenager! I swear I make no sense most of the time.
It's hard to be me...I guess it's hard to be anyone really. And no matter what choices and changes you make, underneath it all...you are still you. And what if you really don't like that person much? I think I dislike myself so much because I can't conquer the 'weight demon'. I know what I need to do...I've known that forever...I just can't find the determination to do it!
I remember the first time I realized just how much my weight dominated my life. I let it be a deciding factor in a stupid decision I made. I made the wrong decision followed by many years of wrong decisions...all because I never thought I was thin enough or beautiful enough to deserve to be treated with respect. Life can be full of regrets, if you choose to go through life that way. But, I have an amazing husband, great kids and good life. I just wish that 16 year old girl would forgive me and move on, and grow up.
xoxo
kim
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