I have waited for this day for months now...Talent Show? OVER! Sixth Grade Salute? Over! Last Day of School? Over! End of year Pool Party? OVER! Finals? OVER! Dance Recital Rehearsal? OVER! Dance Recital? OVER! Basketball Tournament? OVER! And this wall in just the last 5 days! I don't think when you have kids you ever wonder about what the end of the school year will look like for you and your kids! So much to do...so little time! Oh, and I've got a full-time job that ALWAYS has a project going on at the exact same time! I typically remain tired...but I have to admit...I have felt whipped!
Ryan unexpectedly showed up at Jakob's game today! It was a nice surprise! It was a great afternoon...until we got home. There was no one else around and as soon as he figured out he didn't have a room to return to, the attitude kicked in. I stayed calm for as long as I could. There was not a lot of remorse or even sadness on his part. I kept telling myself, "He's just a kid". My head knows this...my heart doesn't!
This has got to be the WORST part of parenting. Loving them so much and wanting to protect them, torn only by your own survival instincts. I pray that he will find his way and can live under our roof within the confines of our rules. Be respectful. Do as your told. Pass your classes. Finish high school. We shall see...only time will tell. I do know that I won't let it go where it went before. I have to learn that being right isn't always as important as loving him. He's going to be a jerk...it's his hormones and age that rule that. I have learn to 'guide' not 'command'.
We need to take a test and drive times to get a driver's license...we should be required to do the same before we can have kids! Every kid is as different as every parent. It's all personalities, genes and hormones all rolled in to one! It's hard. It shouldn't have to be this hard. But, I guess it's true...sometimes love just isn't enough...or at least it's not the ONLY piece of the puzzle. It might be the best...but you can definitely LOVE someone and NOT like them!
I just pray for strength and wisdom. Maybe I need to apply the AA mantra to my real life...
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
I think I will memorize this....and recite it to myself in the moments when I want to just GO OFF! I'll let you know how that works out...I'm hoping to find the time to blog and write over the summer! I've got to keep my dream alive!
~k
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