Yesterday was the first day of Spring...it wasn't that pretty outside really. It was more like one of those days at the very very end of Fall. Dreary. And that is about all it takes to put me in a mood. I wouldn't say I am depressed...after all, I am out of bed. However, because I work from home...I am not showered or dressed. I am still in my pajamas, and really don't know if I will change any time soon.
My head is pounding. I'm sure it's the weather! Or maybe it's the stress or maybe it's the weight gain. I don' t know. I feel like when I take two steps forward in one part of my life, like my writing, then I take two steps backward in other areas. My weight has been an issue for so many years that at this point I've lost count. All I do know is that I NEED to do something about it, yet I choose not to.
I had never watched an episode of 'Ruby' before, although I had seen her on Oprah. I marvel at her determination and she has come so far. She's hitting a wall now though...she doesn't want to deal with what is on the inside. I guess that is where I am, too. I can diet and exercise, and the weight does come off. My issue is I lose about 50lbs and then I feel good, so then I start slipping up and then I'm back up...and this time, I'm really back up!
I don't know why I'm so fat! I never really understood it when it first started happening...I didn't gain the freshman 15 in college...I'm pretty sure it was the freshman 60. And then I tried to do something about it...then I got pregnant...and here I am. Miserable! Miserable with myself so much so that it's starting to affect other areas of my life.
I know I can only take one day at a time, but it seems so daunting at this point. I welcome Spring and the sun. Maybe the Spring and the sun will change my feelings and attitude. I hope it will get me motivated to move more and eat less. I'm not in my thirties anymore, and it's only going to be that much harder to lose! YUCK!
I'm in a mood...again!
kim
Kim ... wish i had some magic potion to give you, some cosmic secret to share . your words ring with a honesty, truth & hurt that is palatable for me. i could say something trite & stupid, but you already know all that :)
ReplyDeleteevolution is painful & is something only the brave transcend .
i am coming up from nearly 4 years of being in a similar place, ha ! yet, in writing that - i realize it is more like 25 !!! find something ... something to hang onto to ,,, a healer, a lifestyle change, a interest that is self-nurturing ... it takes just one thing . thank you for sharing ....
Kim, that was an honest and touchy post! I know how it feels like to keep aiming and never being able to hit the target. By the way, you don't need to feel miserable just because you weigh more than you think you should. I know in a world that belongs to skinny people, it is hard to survive with something that seems outdated. But believe me, you should not let people put you against yourself. You are beautiful.
ReplyDeleteHowever, in order to pursue your goal of shredding some weight, my only and only advise to you would be to keep doing something daily that would at least keep you assured that you are still in the game. Ah well! I know the misery that surrounds you when you are unable to do what you really want to do!
Thank you both so much for your encouragement! It totally made my day (night)!! :)
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