I have always been fascinated with Wynonna and Naomi Judd. I remember going to a Judd concert, with my then best friend, Lee Ann and singing along to every song. Wanting to be on that stage, but knowing that I can't carry a tune, that dream was just a bit of envy really. But, what I think I wanted more than anything, was to share something so profound with my mom.
Little did any of us know that the Mother/Daughter duo was anything but happy behind the scenes! There was enough hurt and heartache going on to fill up one of their sold out shows! How sad! How sad that something that was bringing millions of fans so much happiness was literally tearing them apart!
The mother/daughter relationship is probably the most complex in the world. No one can love you more than your own mother, it would seem. But it also suffices to say, no one can hurt you as much either. It can be literally through words or behavior, or it can be more subtle through lack of involvement or caring. Either way, that relationship can be the tie that binds or the straw that breaks the camels back. It still amazes me that we need a license to drive, hunt or fish, but ANYONE can become parents!
I've been watching the Judd's on OWN and am fascinated by the dynamics of that family in relation to my own. There were three Ray women in our house. My father and mother divorced when I was a freshman in high school. Daddy left just before my 14th birthday. Life, as miserable as it had been, was about to take on a whole new meaning! There wasn't much time to grieve the marriage or the loss of our father because as it so happens, life goes on!
I see myself as Wynonna and Sloan (my sister) as Ashley. Wynonna is the in 'your face' all the time, wears her heart and emotions on her sleeves. She has forgiven Naomi, but she has not forgotten. I don't know that any of us every truly forgets when we have been seriously wounded by another, especially when we have been wounded by the very people who are supposed to love us no matter what!
Now, I must admit, the Judd's have a lot of strange crap they are dealing with...and sometimes I find them to be whining and not getting very far! But, the most profound thing I've seen so far, is the way Ashley's new book is killing Naomi. It's the quiet ones you have to watch out for!
I am beginning to see now how difficult it must have been for my sister to grow up surrounded by the anger and hurt that my mother and I had for each other, our situation and those who came into contact with us. To say I was an angry teenager doesn't even come close. I was so wounded by my father's drinking, his leaving, my mother's choices and the lack of direction I seemed to not get, that I got consumed by the anger. It literally left a whole in my heart and a self loathing that no one could see.
I can see it now though! All these pounds...they are from years of feeling not worthy, not loved, not special and not regarded. I was just a kid! I was a kid that shouldn't have had to start hating herself before she even started living! I made so many bad choices because I deemed myself unworthy the day my father dropped me off at my friend Jen's house and as I set my stuff down, and turned to tell him goodbye, he had already driven down the road. I stood watching his car drive away...and with him went my self worth, gone in just seconds.
Years later, he would make some very profound observations about me and food. He watched me devour a tub of ice cream. He said that he could tell I wasn't enjoying it, I was just sitting there mindlessly eating it. I never once smiled or even showed that what I was doing even registered. I of course have no recollection of such a time. I do know that we fought often about my food choices and that I soon found this to be a source of irritation for both him and my mother. She was skinny and an aerobic instructor and a PE teacher. She was blonde and beautiful.
So, subconsciously or unconsciously, I began to use food as a tool to get back at them and hurt myself. I guess I still do. I don't even really know! I don't know that I ever eat because I am truly hungry or if I eat mainly to satisfy some unpleasant feeling or as a distraction. The one thing I do know that I learned at a young age, was that food was my friend. Food would never let me down!
And now, I've let myself down...food is my drug! I'm not a drunk like my Daddy, but I'm an addict just the same. I hate this part of myself more than anyone can ever imagine! I think it might be easier if it was something I could learn to live without...but how do you quit relying on the one thing you need most to survive in this world? I do still mean food...but I guess the same could be said about my parents as well. Maybe that is the paradox - I wanted them, but they were so unattainable to me as a child. So, I turned to food. Sounds like such a fucking load of bullshit! I hate all this crap really!
I just need to quit watching OWN and the Judds! :):)
xoxo
~k
Monday, May 9, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
It's been a while...
I really wish I knew exactly where the time goes..it's been about a month since I last wrote here. I guess I am consistently inconsistent! But, consistent in always putting myself last! Some days I am just too tired to write, which I hate. Writing brings me almost as much pleasure and satisfaction as reading does.
Life has just been going as it does so often!
But...there is a writing contest that I want to enter and the deadline is June 8th. It's a contest where you only submit the first 3 chapters of your novel. I am going to really be working on those first three chapter over the course of the next month to get them ready. Of course between now and then, we have a million 'end of school' things going on so I will have to fit myself into my schedule.
Haven't been dieting much at all. I have noticed the numbers going up on the scale, and I would give ANYTHING to know exactly why this is something that I just can't seem to do. Not on my own anyway! Not for long periods of time and certainly not successfully. I hate that part of myself more than anything!
I want to make it my number one priority...but I just can't! I can't make myself a priority! I view it as selfish and absolutely ridiculous! I just want everyone I love to be happy and then I will be happy. But, that isn't true at all. I'm miserable in my own skin. As my belly grows, I feel worse about myself and more angry. I can do almost anything I put my mind to, but losing weight is just not one of them.
I would consider surgery except with my history, I don't know of any doctor that will TOUCH my stomach area. I worry about the damage and the scar tissue that is looming just below the surface. Maybe with all the fat protecting it, maybe I won't ever have any other issues. I honestly don't know what the hell is wrong with me and the way I think. I am forty years old with the mentality of a teenager! I swear I make no sense most of the time.
It's hard to be me...I guess it's hard to be anyone really. And no matter what choices and changes you make, underneath it all...you are still you. And what if you really don't like that person much? I think I dislike myself so much because I can't conquer the 'weight demon'. I know what I need to do...I've known that forever...I just can't find the determination to do it!
I remember the first time I realized just how much my weight dominated my life. I let it be a deciding factor in a stupid decision I made. I made the wrong decision followed by many years of wrong decisions...all because I never thought I was thin enough or beautiful enough to deserve to be treated with respect. Life can be full of regrets, if you choose to go through life that way. But, I have an amazing husband, great kids and good life. I just wish that 16 year old girl would forgive me and move on, and grow up.
xoxo
kim
Life has just been going as it does so often!
But...there is a writing contest that I want to enter and the deadline is June 8th. It's a contest where you only submit the first 3 chapters of your novel. I am going to really be working on those first three chapter over the course of the next month to get them ready. Of course between now and then, we have a million 'end of school' things going on so I will have to fit myself into my schedule.
Haven't been dieting much at all. I have noticed the numbers going up on the scale, and I would give ANYTHING to know exactly why this is something that I just can't seem to do. Not on my own anyway! Not for long periods of time and certainly not successfully. I hate that part of myself more than anything!
I want to make it my number one priority...but I just can't! I can't make myself a priority! I view it as selfish and absolutely ridiculous! I just want everyone I love to be happy and then I will be happy. But, that isn't true at all. I'm miserable in my own skin. As my belly grows, I feel worse about myself and more angry. I can do almost anything I put my mind to, but losing weight is just not one of them.
I would consider surgery except with my history, I don't know of any doctor that will TOUCH my stomach area. I worry about the damage and the scar tissue that is looming just below the surface. Maybe with all the fat protecting it, maybe I won't ever have any other issues. I honestly don't know what the hell is wrong with me and the way I think. I am forty years old with the mentality of a teenager! I swear I make no sense most of the time.
It's hard to be me...I guess it's hard to be anyone really. And no matter what choices and changes you make, underneath it all...you are still you. And what if you really don't like that person much? I think I dislike myself so much because I can't conquer the 'weight demon'. I know what I need to do...I've known that forever...I just can't find the determination to do it!
I remember the first time I realized just how much my weight dominated my life. I let it be a deciding factor in a stupid decision I made. I made the wrong decision followed by many years of wrong decisions...all because I never thought I was thin enough or beautiful enough to deserve to be treated with respect. Life can be full of regrets, if you choose to go through life that way. But, I have an amazing husband, great kids and good life. I just wish that 16 year old girl would forgive me and move on, and grow up.
xoxo
kim
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Hormones? Yep...that was the missing link
I guess we are basically a slave to our hormones our entire life! First we spend years getting ready to hit puberty and all it's wonders...then comes the 'birthing' years, which could potentially last well until your fifties. Then comes the most dangerous and devious of them all for women...menopause! I see those stupid commercials talking about how it doesn't have to be that bad and blah blah blah! IT SUCKS! It totally and completely does...and anyone who says it doesn't is LYING!
I had a partial hysterectomy in 2002 and then a second one in 2006! I got nothing inside now! I remember it being described to me as this: imagine normal menopause as this, you are driving in a car at 55 mph and gradually you put the breaks on, very gradually until eventually the car slows and stops. That's how it's suppose to happen. But to someone who is 35 it is more like going 55 mph straight into a brick wall! It's done...it's over!
So, I have been going to the same female doctor for the last three years. At each check up, the only thing she talks about is my weight. And at my last visit in December, I was totally dejected! She basically said, or at least what I heard was: You are fat. Eat less. Exercise more. Good bye!
I had become to think that the hot flashes, the moodiness, the irritability, the memory loss...EVERYTHING was because I was fat! Well, turns out...not so much! I know many fat chicks, and none of them were having the kinds of 'sweaty fits' that I did! And now, I'm not having them either!
I went to a male doctor...and while I thought I would be more comfortable with a woman because she should know what's going on...turns out...not so much!! He laughed when I told him what she had said and he said, "I might not be a woman, but it's really all about biology!" Doesn't hurt that his wife had been on the same two drugs I had and he KNEW from experience that it wasn't working!
I have been on this patch since last Thursday and physically I feel totally different! It's really amazing!
I still can't seem to find time to do this everyday yet...but I'm getting there..it's baby steps!
xoxo
k
I had a partial hysterectomy in 2002 and then a second one in 2006! I got nothing inside now! I remember it being described to me as this: imagine normal menopause as this, you are driving in a car at 55 mph and gradually you put the breaks on, very gradually until eventually the car slows and stops. That's how it's suppose to happen. But to someone who is 35 it is more like going 55 mph straight into a brick wall! It's done...it's over!
So, I have been going to the same female doctor for the last three years. At each check up, the only thing she talks about is my weight. And at my last visit in December, I was totally dejected! She basically said, or at least what I heard was: You are fat. Eat less. Exercise more. Good bye!
I had become to think that the hot flashes, the moodiness, the irritability, the memory loss...EVERYTHING was because I was fat! Well, turns out...not so much! I know many fat chicks, and none of them were having the kinds of 'sweaty fits' that I did! And now, I'm not having them either!
I went to a male doctor...and while I thought I would be more comfortable with a woman because she should know what's going on...turns out...not so much!! He laughed when I told him what she had said and he said, "I might not be a woman, but it's really all about biology!" Doesn't hurt that his wife had been on the same two drugs I had and he KNEW from experience that it wasn't working!
I have been on this patch since last Thursday and physically I feel totally different! It's really amazing!
I still can't seem to find time to do this everyday yet...but I'm getting there..it's baby steps!
xoxo
k
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Spring? Really?
Yesterday was the first day of Spring...it wasn't that pretty outside really. It was more like one of those days at the very very end of Fall. Dreary. And that is about all it takes to put me in a mood. I wouldn't say I am depressed...after all, I am out of bed. However, because I work from home...I am not showered or dressed. I am still in my pajamas, and really don't know if I will change any time soon.
My head is pounding. I'm sure it's the weather! Or maybe it's the stress or maybe it's the weight gain. I don' t know. I feel like when I take two steps forward in one part of my life, like my writing, then I take two steps backward in other areas. My weight has been an issue for so many years that at this point I've lost count. All I do know is that I NEED to do something about it, yet I choose not to.
I had never watched an episode of 'Ruby' before, although I had seen her on Oprah. I marvel at her determination and she has come so far. She's hitting a wall now though...she doesn't want to deal with what is on the inside. I guess that is where I am, too. I can diet and exercise, and the weight does come off. My issue is I lose about 50lbs and then I feel good, so then I start slipping up and then I'm back up...and this time, I'm really back up!
I don't know why I'm so fat! I never really understood it when it first started happening...I didn't gain the freshman 15 in college...I'm pretty sure it was the freshman 60. And then I tried to do something about it...then I got pregnant...and here I am. Miserable! Miserable with myself so much so that it's starting to affect other areas of my life.
I know I can only take one day at a time, but it seems so daunting at this point. I welcome Spring and the sun. Maybe the Spring and the sun will change my feelings and attitude. I hope it will get me motivated to move more and eat less. I'm not in my thirties anymore, and it's only going to be that much harder to lose! YUCK!
I'm in a mood...again!
kim
My head is pounding. I'm sure it's the weather! Or maybe it's the stress or maybe it's the weight gain. I don' t know. I feel like when I take two steps forward in one part of my life, like my writing, then I take two steps backward in other areas. My weight has been an issue for so many years that at this point I've lost count. All I do know is that I NEED to do something about it, yet I choose not to.
I had never watched an episode of 'Ruby' before, although I had seen her on Oprah. I marvel at her determination and she has come so far. She's hitting a wall now though...she doesn't want to deal with what is on the inside. I guess that is where I am, too. I can diet and exercise, and the weight does come off. My issue is I lose about 50lbs and then I feel good, so then I start slipping up and then I'm back up...and this time, I'm really back up!
I don't know why I'm so fat! I never really understood it when it first started happening...I didn't gain the freshman 15 in college...I'm pretty sure it was the freshman 60. And then I tried to do something about it...then I got pregnant...and here I am. Miserable! Miserable with myself so much so that it's starting to affect other areas of my life.
I know I can only take one day at a time, but it seems so daunting at this point. I welcome Spring and the sun. Maybe the Spring and the sun will change my feelings and attitude. I hope it will get me motivated to move more and eat less. I'm not in my thirties anymore, and it's only going to be that much harder to lose! YUCK!
I'm in a mood...again!
kim
Monday, March 14, 2011
'I've just been in a very bad mood for the last....'
I don't know how long...it feels like days, maybe it's been weeks! I don't really know why, I'm sure there is some under lying 'anger' issue lurking beneath the surface...it rears it's ugly little head about every 15 minutes today! I absolutely hate this feeling. No matter what I do to shake it, it won't go away. I know I'm stressed, but if you are alive and breathing these days, who isn't stressed?
I guess what I'm most upset over is this - life as it is, is hard enough. Why do others have to come in to our lives and make it harder than it needs to be? I thought at my age, I had really started to 'figure' people out. Recognize 'CRAZY' when I saw it, and run for cover.
This time I didn't! And I can't let it go! I was snowed! I was completely taken off guard! Of course others in my life tell me now - 'Oh yea! I saw that coming!' or my other favorite - 'I could have told you that was going to happen'. I consider myself a good judge of character, typically. And I believe in giving everyone a fair chance, until I'm proven otherwise. I don't listen to what other people say, typically...but maybe I need to start listening. Maybe there is just a hint of truth to all the talk...
I grew up feeling like the 'odd' man out. All my friends lived in really nice houses, had parents that were married and seemed to have the 'perfect lives'. I mean, compared to mine anyway. My life wasn't 'terrible', but it wasn't what theirs was. So, now that I have kids, I find myself drawn to my kids' friends that I can see myself in. I want to give them, and their families a welcoming word. I want to say, 'hey...i don't judge'. In truth, I really don't judge.
I have been known to make fun of people or have a good laugh with my mom while people watching. But, in all honesty, it comes from a good place and I really mean nothing malicious by it. But, I'm beginning to learn, that maybe 'we' (my mom, sister and I) were the exception. Maybe people are just like they appear to be, and maybe sometimes, it is best to 'judge a book by it's cover' and let it ride.
I don't know! It seems the older I get, the less I'm convinced I know. And the less I understand! How is that possible? I don't want the future to hold more questions because before I know it I will be forgetting not only the answers but the questions, too! Then what happens? Maybe that is why family really is so important. And when people say things like 'you don't get to pick your family', that's really a good thing. Family will always (or should always) love you no matter what! Friends will come and go...Best Friends, which are really family...shall always remain!
I'm missing my best friends right now...Jen and Lisa! It's been a while since we've had one of our REAL visits. Kids, distance and life is justing marching on...maybe all I really need to do, is shoot an email to them and let them know I miss them...and then maybe that will chase away the blues...if not, I've always got the kids to pick on tomorrow...it's their Spring Break and due to my 'paying job' we can't go anywhere...
xoxo
kim
ps - by the way...I am going to 'Let Go, Let God' this will be the last you hear about the other thing...
I guess what I'm most upset over is this - life as it is, is hard enough. Why do others have to come in to our lives and make it harder than it needs to be? I thought at my age, I had really started to 'figure' people out. Recognize 'CRAZY' when I saw it, and run for cover.
This time I didn't! And I can't let it go! I was snowed! I was completely taken off guard! Of course others in my life tell me now - 'Oh yea! I saw that coming!' or my other favorite - 'I could have told you that was going to happen'. I consider myself a good judge of character, typically. And I believe in giving everyone a fair chance, until I'm proven otherwise. I don't listen to what other people say, typically...but maybe I need to start listening. Maybe there is just a hint of truth to all the talk...
I grew up feeling like the 'odd' man out. All my friends lived in really nice houses, had parents that were married and seemed to have the 'perfect lives'. I mean, compared to mine anyway. My life wasn't 'terrible', but it wasn't what theirs was. So, now that I have kids, I find myself drawn to my kids' friends that I can see myself in. I want to give them, and their families a welcoming word. I want to say, 'hey...i don't judge'. In truth, I really don't judge.
I have been known to make fun of people or have a good laugh with my mom while people watching. But, in all honesty, it comes from a good place and I really mean nothing malicious by it. But, I'm beginning to learn, that maybe 'we' (my mom, sister and I) were the exception. Maybe people are just like they appear to be, and maybe sometimes, it is best to 'judge a book by it's cover' and let it ride.
I don't know! It seems the older I get, the less I'm convinced I know. And the less I understand! How is that possible? I don't want the future to hold more questions because before I know it I will be forgetting not only the answers but the questions, too! Then what happens? Maybe that is why family really is so important. And when people say things like 'you don't get to pick your family', that's really a good thing. Family will always (or should always) love you no matter what! Friends will come and go...Best Friends, which are really family...shall always remain!
I'm missing my best friends right now...Jen and Lisa! It's been a while since we've had one of our REAL visits. Kids, distance and life is justing marching on...maybe all I really need to do, is shoot an email to them and let them know I miss them...and then maybe that will chase away the blues...if not, I've always got the kids to pick on tomorrow...it's their Spring Break and due to my 'paying job' we can't go anywhere...
xoxo
kim
ps - by the way...I am going to 'Let Go, Let God' this will be the last you hear about the other thing...
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Choices
We all make choices everyday! Sometimes our choices are great ones...and other times, we make really bad choices that lead to even more heartache than we could have imagined. I have a big heart! I take after my father in that way. I love hard and I care about the people in my life - probably too much, and it is definitely a fault. Or maybe it's more of a curse.
It's so true that no good deed goes unpunished. I am fine with letting people come and go...it's just a part of life, but it's not okay when my daughter gets caught in the cross fire. I know we all protect our kids and hate it when they are hurt. But some people misunderstand 'protection' and 'letting them learn from their own mistakes'. I am not one to sit back and watch. However, this time, for my sanity and hers it's the best thing to do. And it's KILLING me!
I am not perfect. I am not a perfect friend or a perfect mother. I recognize my faults and I try every day to improve upon them. Others, sit in judgement and they pass that judgement on to children. That is where I have a hard time with adults who behave worse than children.
Kids are supposed to make mistakes. They are supposed to screw up, learn from it and move on. It's how they grow. It's how they learn compassion and understanding. Forgiveness is such a hard concept to grasp and at 40 I am just now getting it. Forgiveness is about yourself more than the other person. But, our children have to learn how to forgive - each other and themselves. And they should not be ridiculed based on an adult's perception of a situation. I think there are too many parents out there trying to live vicariously through their kids. They get so wrapped up in every little thing.
I admit, I got too involved in my daughter's best friend and their relationship. I was so excited for her to have the kind of friendship I have known for over 30 years with my two best friends, Jen and Lisa. I welcomed the relationship and wanted to see it blossom and grow. However, there were things, parents, that I wasn't paying attention to.
Shame on me! However, my daughter is so strong and so smart! She will get over this and be a better and smarter friend in the end. I am so proud of her! It is I who is struggling with it all...I am trying so hard to keep my head together. I know the right thing to do is let it go, but when you see your child upset, it's hard to do that!
I wish there was a manual for all this!
xoxo
kim
It's so true that no good deed goes unpunished. I am fine with letting people come and go...it's just a part of life, but it's not okay when my daughter gets caught in the cross fire. I know we all protect our kids and hate it when they are hurt. But some people misunderstand 'protection' and 'letting them learn from their own mistakes'. I am not one to sit back and watch. However, this time, for my sanity and hers it's the best thing to do. And it's KILLING me!
I am not perfect. I am not a perfect friend or a perfect mother. I recognize my faults and I try every day to improve upon them. Others, sit in judgement and they pass that judgement on to children. That is where I have a hard time with adults who behave worse than children.
Kids are supposed to make mistakes. They are supposed to screw up, learn from it and move on. It's how they grow. It's how they learn compassion and understanding. Forgiveness is such a hard concept to grasp and at 40 I am just now getting it. Forgiveness is about yourself more than the other person. But, our children have to learn how to forgive - each other and themselves. And they should not be ridiculed based on an adult's perception of a situation. I think there are too many parents out there trying to live vicariously through their kids. They get so wrapped up in every little thing.
I admit, I got too involved in my daughter's best friend and their relationship. I was so excited for her to have the kind of friendship I have known for over 30 years with my two best friends, Jen and Lisa. I welcomed the relationship and wanted to see it blossom and grow. However, there were things, parents, that I wasn't paying attention to.
Shame on me! However, my daughter is so strong and so smart! She will get over this and be a better and smarter friend in the end. I am so proud of her! It is I who is struggling with it all...I am trying so hard to keep my head together. I know the right thing to do is let it go, but when you see your child upset, it's hard to do that!
I wish there was a manual for all this!
xoxo
kim
Saturday, March 12, 2011
A Commitment to ME
I make commitments all the time! I agree to bring things do things, show up, etc. I honor those commitments. However the commitments I make to myself, I just don't seem to care about. It's okay to let myself down but not anyone else? How ridiculous does that sound? But I know I am not alone in this. I have made several commitments to my weight loss and to my writing. Yet here I am months later, with little done with either.
So here I am, with yet another Day 1 of the rest of my life. I WILL write here daily. Even if it's nothing much. Even if I'm too tired and really want to just finish the book I'm reading. Even if I am angry or sad. Even if the day has been awesome and I feel like I don't have too much to complain out or say!
Secondly, I will work on not eating as much. I'm not going to go on a diet. I'm not going to set myself any goals except these: I will eat less. I will drink more water and I will vow to get more exercise. That won't be too hard to do because currently I do NONE! So if I just walk out my front door, down to the stop sign and back that will be more than I did today!
The fact is, time is moving in warp speed. The time we think we will have tomorrow will be gone. My children are growing up so fast and I still feel like I'm 17 and plotting out where my life will go. The truth is, it's gone...it goes everyday, whether I make plans for the day or not. I want to be more present in my life and in the decisions I make.
So here's to always having the opportunity to 'start again' until we take our last breath...and even then I believe we might get to accomplish more than we know! Thanks for joining my ride...
xoxo
kim
So here I am, with yet another Day 1 of the rest of my life. I WILL write here daily. Even if it's nothing much. Even if I'm too tired and really want to just finish the book I'm reading. Even if I am angry or sad. Even if the day has been awesome and I feel like I don't have too much to complain out or say!
Secondly, I will work on not eating as much. I'm not going to go on a diet. I'm not going to set myself any goals except these: I will eat less. I will drink more water and I will vow to get more exercise. That won't be too hard to do because currently I do NONE! So if I just walk out my front door, down to the stop sign and back that will be more than I did today!
The fact is, time is moving in warp speed. The time we think we will have tomorrow will be gone. My children are growing up so fast and I still feel like I'm 17 and plotting out where my life will go. The truth is, it's gone...it goes everyday, whether I make plans for the day or not. I want to be more present in my life and in the decisions I make.
So here's to always having the opportunity to 'start again' until we take our last breath...and even then I believe we might get to accomplish more than we know! Thanks for joining my ride...
xoxo
kim
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