I guess we are basically a slave to our hormones our entire life! First we spend years getting ready to hit puberty and all it's wonders...then comes the 'birthing' years, which could potentially last well until your fifties. Then comes the most dangerous and devious of them all for women...menopause! I see those stupid commercials talking about how it doesn't have to be that bad and blah blah blah! IT SUCKS! It totally and completely does...and anyone who says it doesn't is LYING!
I had a partial hysterectomy in 2002 and then a second one in 2006! I got nothing inside now! I remember it being described to me as this: imagine normal menopause as this, you are driving in a car at 55 mph and gradually you put the breaks on, very gradually until eventually the car slows and stops. That's how it's suppose to happen. But to someone who is 35 it is more like going 55 mph straight into a brick wall! It's done...it's over!
So, I have been going to the same female doctor for the last three years. At each check up, the only thing she talks about is my weight. And at my last visit in December, I was totally dejected! She basically said, or at least what I heard was: You are fat. Eat less. Exercise more. Good bye!
I had become to think that the hot flashes, the moodiness, the irritability, the memory loss...EVERYTHING was because I was fat! Well, turns out...not so much! I know many fat chicks, and none of them were having the kinds of 'sweaty fits' that I did! And now, I'm not having them either!
I went to a male doctor...and while I thought I would be more comfortable with a woman because she should know what's going on...turns out...not so much!! He laughed when I told him what she had said and he said, "I might not be a woman, but it's really all about biology!" Doesn't hurt that his wife had been on the same two drugs I had and he KNEW from experience that it wasn't working!
I have been on this patch since last Thursday and physically I feel totally different! It's really amazing!
I still can't seem to find time to do this everyday yet...but I'm getting there..it's baby steps!
xoxo
k
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Spring? Really?
Yesterday was the first day of Spring...it wasn't that pretty outside really. It was more like one of those days at the very very end of Fall. Dreary. And that is about all it takes to put me in a mood. I wouldn't say I am depressed...after all, I am out of bed. However, because I work from home...I am not showered or dressed. I am still in my pajamas, and really don't know if I will change any time soon.
My head is pounding. I'm sure it's the weather! Or maybe it's the stress or maybe it's the weight gain. I don' t know. I feel like when I take two steps forward in one part of my life, like my writing, then I take two steps backward in other areas. My weight has been an issue for so many years that at this point I've lost count. All I do know is that I NEED to do something about it, yet I choose not to.
I had never watched an episode of 'Ruby' before, although I had seen her on Oprah. I marvel at her determination and she has come so far. She's hitting a wall now though...she doesn't want to deal with what is on the inside. I guess that is where I am, too. I can diet and exercise, and the weight does come off. My issue is I lose about 50lbs and then I feel good, so then I start slipping up and then I'm back up...and this time, I'm really back up!
I don't know why I'm so fat! I never really understood it when it first started happening...I didn't gain the freshman 15 in college...I'm pretty sure it was the freshman 60. And then I tried to do something about it...then I got pregnant...and here I am. Miserable! Miserable with myself so much so that it's starting to affect other areas of my life.
I know I can only take one day at a time, but it seems so daunting at this point. I welcome Spring and the sun. Maybe the Spring and the sun will change my feelings and attitude. I hope it will get me motivated to move more and eat less. I'm not in my thirties anymore, and it's only going to be that much harder to lose! YUCK!
I'm in a mood...again!
kim
My head is pounding. I'm sure it's the weather! Or maybe it's the stress or maybe it's the weight gain. I don' t know. I feel like when I take two steps forward in one part of my life, like my writing, then I take two steps backward in other areas. My weight has been an issue for so many years that at this point I've lost count. All I do know is that I NEED to do something about it, yet I choose not to.
I had never watched an episode of 'Ruby' before, although I had seen her on Oprah. I marvel at her determination and she has come so far. She's hitting a wall now though...she doesn't want to deal with what is on the inside. I guess that is where I am, too. I can diet and exercise, and the weight does come off. My issue is I lose about 50lbs and then I feel good, so then I start slipping up and then I'm back up...and this time, I'm really back up!
I don't know why I'm so fat! I never really understood it when it first started happening...I didn't gain the freshman 15 in college...I'm pretty sure it was the freshman 60. And then I tried to do something about it...then I got pregnant...and here I am. Miserable! Miserable with myself so much so that it's starting to affect other areas of my life.
I know I can only take one day at a time, but it seems so daunting at this point. I welcome Spring and the sun. Maybe the Spring and the sun will change my feelings and attitude. I hope it will get me motivated to move more and eat less. I'm not in my thirties anymore, and it's only going to be that much harder to lose! YUCK!
I'm in a mood...again!
kim
Monday, March 14, 2011
'I've just been in a very bad mood for the last....'
I don't know how long...it feels like days, maybe it's been weeks! I don't really know why, I'm sure there is some under lying 'anger' issue lurking beneath the surface...it rears it's ugly little head about every 15 minutes today! I absolutely hate this feeling. No matter what I do to shake it, it won't go away. I know I'm stressed, but if you are alive and breathing these days, who isn't stressed?
I guess what I'm most upset over is this - life as it is, is hard enough. Why do others have to come in to our lives and make it harder than it needs to be? I thought at my age, I had really started to 'figure' people out. Recognize 'CRAZY' when I saw it, and run for cover.
This time I didn't! And I can't let it go! I was snowed! I was completely taken off guard! Of course others in my life tell me now - 'Oh yea! I saw that coming!' or my other favorite - 'I could have told you that was going to happen'. I consider myself a good judge of character, typically. And I believe in giving everyone a fair chance, until I'm proven otherwise. I don't listen to what other people say, typically...but maybe I need to start listening. Maybe there is just a hint of truth to all the talk...
I grew up feeling like the 'odd' man out. All my friends lived in really nice houses, had parents that were married and seemed to have the 'perfect lives'. I mean, compared to mine anyway. My life wasn't 'terrible', but it wasn't what theirs was. So, now that I have kids, I find myself drawn to my kids' friends that I can see myself in. I want to give them, and their families a welcoming word. I want to say, 'hey...i don't judge'. In truth, I really don't judge.
I have been known to make fun of people or have a good laugh with my mom while people watching. But, in all honesty, it comes from a good place and I really mean nothing malicious by it. But, I'm beginning to learn, that maybe 'we' (my mom, sister and I) were the exception. Maybe people are just like they appear to be, and maybe sometimes, it is best to 'judge a book by it's cover' and let it ride.
I don't know! It seems the older I get, the less I'm convinced I know. And the less I understand! How is that possible? I don't want the future to hold more questions because before I know it I will be forgetting not only the answers but the questions, too! Then what happens? Maybe that is why family really is so important. And when people say things like 'you don't get to pick your family', that's really a good thing. Family will always (or should always) love you no matter what! Friends will come and go...Best Friends, which are really family...shall always remain!
I'm missing my best friends right now...Jen and Lisa! It's been a while since we've had one of our REAL visits. Kids, distance and life is justing marching on...maybe all I really need to do, is shoot an email to them and let them know I miss them...and then maybe that will chase away the blues...if not, I've always got the kids to pick on tomorrow...it's their Spring Break and due to my 'paying job' we can't go anywhere...
xoxo
kim
ps - by the way...I am going to 'Let Go, Let God' this will be the last you hear about the other thing...
I guess what I'm most upset over is this - life as it is, is hard enough. Why do others have to come in to our lives and make it harder than it needs to be? I thought at my age, I had really started to 'figure' people out. Recognize 'CRAZY' when I saw it, and run for cover.
This time I didn't! And I can't let it go! I was snowed! I was completely taken off guard! Of course others in my life tell me now - 'Oh yea! I saw that coming!' or my other favorite - 'I could have told you that was going to happen'. I consider myself a good judge of character, typically. And I believe in giving everyone a fair chance, until I'm proven otherwise. I don't listen to what other people say, typically...but maybe I need to start listening. Maybe there is just a hint of truth to all the talk...
I grew up feeling like the 'odd' man out. All my friends lived in really nice houses, had parents that were married and seemed to have the 'perfect lives'. I mean, compared to mine anyway. My life wasn't 'terrible', but it wasn't what theirs was. So, now that I have kids, I find myself drawn to my kids' friends that I can see myself in. I want to give them, and their families a welcoming word. I want to say, 'hey...i don't judge'. In truth, I really don't judge.
I have been known to make fun of people or have a good laugh with my mom while people watching. But, in all honesty, it comes from a good place and I really mean nothing malicious by it. But, I'm beginning to learn, that maybe 'we' (my mom, sister and I) were the exception. Maybe people are just like they appear to be, and maybe sometimes, it is best to 'judge a book by it's cover' and let it ride.
I don't know! It seems the older I get, the less I'm convinced I know. And the less I understand! How is that possible? I don't want the future to hold more questions because before I know it I will be forgetting not only the answers but the questions, too! Then what happens? Maybe that is why family really is so important. And when people say things like 'you don't get to pick your family', that's really a good thing. Family will always (or should always) love you no matter what! Friends will come and go...Best Friends, which are really family...shall always remain!
I'm missing my best friends right now...Jen and Lisa! It's been a while since we've had one of our REAL visits. Kids, distance and life is justing marching on...maybe all I really need to do, is shoot an email to them and let them know I miss them...and then maybe that will chase away the blues...if not, I've always got the kids to pick on tomorrow...it's their Spring Break and due to my 'paying job' we can't go anywhere...
xoxo
kim
ps - by the way...I am going to 'Let Go, Let God' this will be the last you hear about the other thing...
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Choices
We all make choices everyday! Sometimes our choices are great ones...and other times, we make really bad choices that lead to even more heartache than we could have imagined. I have a big heart! I take after my father in that way. I love hard and I care about the people in my life - probably too much, and it is definitely a fault. Or maybe it's more of a curse.
It's so true that no good deed goes unpunished. I am fine with letting people come and go...it's just a part of life, but it's not okay when my daughter gets caught in the cross fire. I know we all protect our kids and hate it when they are hurt. But some people misunderstand 'protection' and 'letting them learn from their own mistakes'. I am not one to sit back and watch. However, this time, for my sanity and hers it's the best thing to do. And it's KILLING me!
I am not perfect. I am not a perfect friend or a perfect mother. I recognize my faults and I try every day to improve upon them. Others, sit in judgement and they pass that judgement on to children. That is where I have a hard time with adults who behave worse than children.
Kids are supposed to make mistakes. They are supposed to screw up, learn from it and move on. It's how they grow. It's how they learn compassion and understanding. Forgiveness is such a hard concept to grasp and at 40 I am just now getting it. Forgiveness is about yourself more than the other person. But, our children have to learn how to forgive - each other and themselves. And they should not be ridiculed based on an adult's perception of a situation. I think there are too many parents out there trying to live vicariously through their kids. They get so wrapped up in every little thing.
I admit, I got too involved in my daughter's best friend and their relationship. I was so excited for her to have the kind of friendship I have known for over 30 years with my two best friends, Jen and Lisa. I welcomed the relationship and wanted to see it blossom and grow. However, there were things, parents, that I wasn't paying attention to.
Shame on me! However, my daughter is so strong and so smart! She will get over this and be a better and smarter friend in the end. I am so proud of her! It is I who is struggling with it all...I am trying so hard to keep my head together. I know the right thing to do is let it go, but when you see your child upset, it's hard to do that!
I wish there was a manual for all this!
xoxo
kim
It's so true that no good deed goes unpunished. I am fine with letting people come and go...it's just a part of life, but it's not okay when my daughter gets caught in the cross fire. I know we all protect our kids and hate it when they are hurt. But some people misunderstand 'protection' and 'letting them learn from their own mistakes'. I am not one to sit back and watch. However, this time, for my sanity and hers it's the best thing to do. And it's KILLING me!
I am not perfect. I am not a perfect friend or a perfect mother. I recognize my faults and I try every day to improve upon them. Others, sit in judgement and they pass that judgement on to children. That is where I have a hard time with adults who behave worse than children.
Kids are supposed to make mistakes. They are supposed to screw up, learn from it and move on. It's how they grow. It's how they learn compassion and understanding. Forgiveness is such a hard concept to grasp and at 40 I am just now getting it. Forgiveness is about yourself more than the other person. But, our children have to learn how to forgive - each other and themselves. And they should not be ridiculed based on an adult's perception of a situation. I think there are too many parents out there trying to live vicariously through their kids. They get so wrapped up in every little thing.
I admit, I got too involved in my daughter's best friend and their relationship. I was so excited for her to have the kind of friendship I have known for over 30 years with my two best friends, Jen and Lisa. I welcomed the relationship and wanted to see it blossom and grow. However, there were things, parents, that I wasn't paying attention to.
Shame on me! However, my daughter is so strong and so smart! She will get over this and be a better and smarter friend in the end. I am so proud of her! It is I who is struggling with it all...I am trying so hard to keep my head together. I know the right thing to do is let it go, but when you see your child upset, it's hard to do that!
I wish there was a manual for all this!
xoxo
kim
Saturday, March 12, 2011
A Commitment to ME
I make commitments all the time! I agree to bring things do things, show up, etc. I honor those commitments. However the commitments I make to myself, I just don't seem to care about. It's okay to let myself down but not anyone else? How ridiculous does that sound? But I know I am not alone in this. I have made several commitments to my weight loss and to my writing. Yet here I am months later, with little done with either.
So here I am, with yet another Day 1 of the rest of my life. I WILL write here daily. Even if it's nothing much. Even if I'm too tired and really want to just finish the book I'm reading. Even if I am angry or sad. Even if the day has been awesome and I feel like I don't have too much to complain out or say!
Secondly, I will work on not eating as much. I'm not going to go on a diet. I'm not going to set myself any goals except these: I will eat less. I will drink more water and I will vow to get more exercise. That won't be too hard to do because currently I do NONE! So if I just walk out my front door, down to the stop sign and back that will be more than I did today!
The fact is, time is moving in warp speed. The time we think we will have tomorrow will be gone. My children are growing up so fast and I still feel like I'm 17 and plotting out where my life will go. The truth is, it's gone...it goes everyday, whether I make plans for the day or not. I want to be more present in my life and in the decisions I make.
So here's to always having the opportunity to 'start again' until we take our last breath...and even then I believe we might get to accomplish more than we know! Thanks for joining my ride...
xoxo
kim
So here I am, with yet another Day 1 of the rest of my life. I WILL write here daily. Even if it's nothing much. Even if I'm too tired and really want to just finish the book I'm reading. Even if I am angry or sad. Even if the day has been awesome and I feel like I don't have too much to complain out or say!
Secondly, I will work on not eating as much. I'm not going to go on a diet. I'm not going to set myself any goals except these: I will eat less. I will drink more water and I will vow to get more exercise. That won't be too hard to do because currently I do NONE! So if I just walk out my front door, down to the stop sign and back that will be more than I did today!
The fact is, time is moving in warp speed. The time we think we will have tomorrow will be gone. My children are growing up so fast and I still feel like I'm 17 and plotting out where my life will go. The truth is, it's gone...it goes everyday, whether I make plans for the day or not. I want to be more present in my life and in the decisions I make.
So here's to always having the opportunity to 'start again' until we take our last breath...and even then I believe we might get to accomplish more than we know! Thanks for joining my ride...
xoxo
kim
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