Well...it is here! I am officially 40! I'm not crying...I'm not depressed...I am not dead! So many things to be grateful for:
Happy Healthy kids - 3 of them
Happy Healthy marriage - 17 years and counting
Happy Healthy hubby - the best of the best
The rest...all of it...the weight, the anger, the self pity...I can deal with, I can get through it all because tomorrow is a new beginning. We have no guarantees in life so I shouldn't spend the time I have feeling sorry for myself and only concentrating on the negative things. It's just so much easier sometimes to think about how bad things are instead of how good they really are. Most people would trade everything they have to have just one of the things I listed above and I have all three!
Today a colleague of mine reminded me that 4 years ago, when I was in a coma (yep, now you can say you know someone who was in a coma, and lived to tell about it) it was a very grave situation. I needed to be reminded of that. I need to remember all of that if for no other reason to appreciate where I am, what I have and to be so grateful that I am here to celebrate my 40th!! Besides, I hear the best is yet to come!
Monday I began attempting to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days...so writing here might not happen too much. The thing is, I know I can do it. And I know it's time to tell my story...mark my words, one day you will see 'Treading Water' in hard back...I said it here first!
Happy Birthday to me! Here's to the next 40 years!
love and hugs!
k
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
'Lucky'
I finished reading Alice Sebold's 'Lucky' last night. It has stuck with me all day. I thought I had bad luck...I have nothing on her. Her writing is mesmerizing. I felt like I was reading a friend's journal and at times I almost feel guilty, like I was reading something too private to be shared with someone like me.
It certainly has allowed me to put some perspective around my own circumstances and my own traumas. I think what I went through was equally as emotionally devastated. I spent months not understanding what exactly happened to me. I spent months separated from my family. I spent months in 'old folks' homes when I was only 35/36 years old. The experience sucked a lot of life out of me.
It drained me most of hope. I would lay in the hospital bed, day after day, and the only thing I cared about, the only constant I had was when the shifts changed every 8 hours and when I received my pain medication, every three. I had visitors, I had phone calls, I had cards and letters, but I didn't have my freedom. I was trapped by tubes and other apparatuses that I didn't even know existed - a wound vac and a jujenostomy bag. I was a shell of the person I was once, I was dazed and very confused.
While mine was due to a surgeon's mistake, and it was not rape, it was still a terrible experience. I pushed it way out of my mind...so far away that sometimes the anger boils up with out any trigger or notice. It's definitely unfinished business. I never got to ask my questions. I was too busy just trying to survive to actually live through it and understand. Surviving is NOT fighting. Thriving is fighting. Thriving is the only way to truly get over something as horrific as what I endured.
I hope to one day begin to thrive again...I'm hoping through my writing I will find a 'happy' place. I want the ability to move on. But, even as I sit here typing, the anger rises. I feel the heat burn up from my stomach, then slowly through my arms. I feel the air tighten in my chest and the dull ache in my stomach. It can take me right back to my hospital room. The loneliness I felt for six straight months.
I think I see it starting to want to make it's way out of my head and on to the screen...as November 1st gets closer, I know that I will spend the entire month writing about my experience....I'm getting ready. It's time to let the beast out...
love and hugs,
k
It certainly has allowed me to put some perspective around my own circumstances and my own traumas. I think what I went through was equally as emotionally devastated. I spent months not understanding what exactly happened to me. I spent months separated from my family. I spent months in 'old folks' homes when I was only 35/36 years old. The experience sucked a lot of life out of me.
It drained me most of hope. I would lay in the hospital bed, day after day, and the only thing I cared about, the only constant I had was when the shifts changed every 8 hours and when I received my pain medication, every three. I had visitors, I had phone calls, I had cards and letters, but I didn't have my freedom. I was trapped by tubes and other apparatuses that I didn't even know existed - a wound vac and a jujenostomy bag. I was a shell of the person I was once, I was dazed and very confused.
While mine was due to a surgeon's mistake, and it was not rape, it was still a terrible experience. I pushed it way out of my mind...so far away that sometimes the anger boils up with out any trigger or notice. It's definitely unfinished business. I never got to ask my questions. I was too busy just trying to survive to actually live through it and understand. Surviving is NOT fighting. Thriving is fighting. Thriving is the only way to truly get over something as horrific as what I endured.
I hope to one day begin to thrive again...I'm hoping through my writing I will find a 'happy' place. I want the ability to move on. But, even as I sit here typing, the anger rises. I feel the heat burn up from my stomach, then slowly through my arms. I feel the air tighten in my chest and the dull ache in my stomach. It can take me right back to my hospital room. The loneliness I felt for six straight months.
I think I see it starting to want to make it's way out of my head and on to the screen...as November 1st gets closer, I know that I will spend the entire month writing about my experience....I'm getting ready. It's time to let the beast out...
love and hugs,
k
Monday, October 25, 2010
'Forty is the Ultimate F- Word'
I am not really freaking out because I'm turning 40! If I live to be 80 (Grandma B is 90) then I am half way there. If I live longer...not even half way there...I guess what is making me fret turning 40 is what I used to think being 40 meant.
Here is what I thought being 40 meant:
1. A grown up with all the answers
2. Confident and smart
3. Stable - both financially and emotionally
4. Content
5. Comfortable in who I am, where I am and where I've been
But, today, 5 days from 'F' day...and here is what I know:
1. I am NOT a real grown up yet...My Mom is...but I'm not and not only do I NOT have all the answers, I'm still asking questions
2. I waiver between raising my kids right and raising them wrong. I waiver on time lines when it comes to grounding them and I don't feel so smart 90% of the time
3. I am FAR from stable - in my head or in my checking account, my 401k, savings account, etc...FAR from it
4. Instead of content I feel scared and anxious - about my job, my kids, my finances, my writing....I hate feeling scared more than anything!
5. HA HA HA HA....I wonder if I will ever know how it feels to be proud of my body, my mind and my soul. I wonder if I will ever get the 'drive' to lose the weight I have so desperately wanted to lose for over 20 years now!
It's funny....when you are a kid you want to be a teenager, then you want to be an adult....and now, I'd LOVE for someone to hand me an allowance, let me sleep late and tell me what to do, when to do it and how to do it! I guess that is why they say ignorance is bliss....you think being an adult will give you all these choices...you just answer to different people, have different rules and the stakes are a lot higher!
But, on the flip side...I've accomplished a lot in 40 years as well...
1. Married to the same man for almost 17 years...been with him since I was 21! Almost with him, longer than without him....YEAH US!
2. I have 3 amazing beautiful, although mouthy children
3. We have managed to stay in the house I HAD to have and we can NOT afford
4. I almost died, spent 6 months in the hospital and am here to celebrate my 40th birth day...when I was given a 10% chance of survival (it was sepsis...surgical mistake...I'm sure I'll eventually tell that story)
5. I have survived the deaths of the three most important men of my childhood: Uncle Rick, Uncle John and my Daddy
Life is good...it really is! I need to embrace being 40...be proud of what I've done, where I've been and where I'm going...yeah....Life is good!
Happy Birthday to me! Please wear black on Saturday, as I mourn my youth!
love and hugs,
k
Here is what I thought being 40 meant:
1. A grown up with all the answers
2. Confident and smart
3. Stable - both financially and emotionally
4. Content
5. Comfortable in who I am, where I am and where I've been
But, today, 5 days from 'F' day...and here is what I know:
1. I am NOT a real grown up yet...My Mom is...but I'm not and not only do I NOT have all the answers, I'm still asking questions
2. I waiver between raising my kids right and raising them wrong. I waiver on time lines when it comes to grounding them and I don't feel so smart 90% of the time
3. I am FAR from stable - in my head or in my checking account, my 401k, savings account, etc...FAR from it
4. Instead of content I feel scared and anxious - about my job, my kids, my finances, my writing....I hate feeling scared more than anything!
5. HA HA HA HA....I wonder if I will ever know how it feels to be proud of my body, my mind and my soul. I wonder if I will ever get the 'drive' to lose the weight I have so desperately wanted to lose for over 20 years now!
It's funny....when you are a kid you want to be a teenager, then you want to be an adult....and now, I'd LOVE for someone to hand me an allowance, let me sleep late and tell me what to do, when to do it and how to do it! I guess that is why they say ignorance is bliss....you think being an adult will give you all these choices...you just answer to different people, have different rules and the stakes are a lot higher!
But, on the flip side...I've accomplished a lot in 40 years as well...
1. Married to the same man for almost 17 years...been with him since I was 21! Almost with him, longer than without him....YEAH US!
2. I have 3 amazing beautiful, although mouthy children
3. We have managed to stay in the house I HAD to have and we can NOT afford
4. I almost died, spent 6 months in the hospital and am here to celebrate my 40th birth day...when I was given a 10% chance of survival (it was sepsis...surgical mistake...I'm sure I'll eventually tell that story)
5. I have survived the deaths of the three most important men of my childhood: Uncle Rick, Uncle John and my Daddy
Life is good...it really is! I need to embrace being 40...be proud of what I've done, where I've been and where I'm going...yeah....Life is good!
Happy Birthday to me! Please wear black on Saturday, as I mourn my youth!
love and hugs,
k
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Another Rejection...but this one is okay
I have been told that if you aren't getting rejection letters than you are doing something wrong! Getting rejection letters are a good thing...it means you are putting your work out there. It means someone is reading what you have written (not like this blog apparently...to date I don't have ANY followers) and it means that you are in 'the game'.
I just received some of the best feedback I have had in the last three months:
I LOVE THIS! My mom read my manuscript and she said that she noticed how different my writing was from the beginning of the story to the end. It was so much more dramatic, it made more sense. It is like with anything I suppose, you just have to continue doing it to get better.
I guess I hoped to be the next 'Stephenie Meyer'....you know, bang away at the computer, pump out this amazing love story and ride off into the sunset. I know where these crazy dreams come from...it's my father in me! Big dreams...HUGE dreams...but none that came to fruition. I can't be sad though...I might not have written the greatest novel my first shot...but hey, I do have a manuscript. I have a beginning, a middle and an end. I have hooks. I have drama. I have love. I have sex scenes that made my Mom blush a little bit. And like the agent above stated - I have potential!
I just need to make this my new mantra...I have potential! I do! I WANT to be a published author...I want to have a book published. I want a story, my words to make someone feel like I did when I read 'The Help' or when I read 'The Year of the Fog'. I want to write compelling story lines and characters that are flawed and human. I have the potential...I have the drive...and now I even have my own laptop (thanks Mom) to make my dreams a reality.
One day, someone will come to this blog to find out how I got started and they will see that it takes just a few simple things...you have to want it, you have to believe in it, you have to have potential but most importantly you have to trust that you deserve it. I think that is where I need the most work. I don't believe that I deserve much. I never have! I have always wanted more for those around me and those that I love.
But, for now, for today and in these forty five minutes, I am being selfish and I am thinking of only myself and what I want. I allow myself to write whatever comes next...no internal editor. I just sit here and type...I have potential after all. I have the same potential that you do...just need to unleash and unlock it.
Thank you Tom Ray! Thank you for teaching me about dreams and that the bigger the dream the harder you must fight for it! I know you lost that battle so many times. I watched you fail. I watched you lose everything. I watched you fight to get it back. I also watched you lose. I watched you give up and I watched you leave this earth.
I know, as a daughter, how fortunate I am to know my father was no super hero. He was human. He was flawed with imperfection. He spent his entire adulthood running from his childhood. The more he fought not to be like his own father the more he morphed into someone I didn't recognize. Alcohol and hate do that to people. Alcohol sucks everything out of you and leaves you more empty than when you first raised the glass and placed your lips on it. I saw how empty his life became as everyone he knew and loved faded into the background.
He sucked as my father and he totally sucked at being a husband. He was never the provider we deserved either. He never put our needs above his own. He never made sacrifices for us. But, in the last five years of his life, he redeemed himself in my eyes. He was my friend. He was my confidant. We had weekly Sunday afternoon phone calls that we both looked forward to having. He was good to me, as good as anyone can hope for. I miss him everyday. While you grow into all the other roles we become in our lives, we always begin our journey as some one's child - a son or a daughter. And when we lose a parent, we lose a part of ourselves. I miss you Daddy. I know you would be proud of me! I am writing...I am living. I am trying to make my dreams come true. Say hi to Jesus for me...I know you are with him.
love and hugs,
k
I just received some of the best feedback I have had in the last three months:
We suggest you enroll in a local writer’s workshop to develop a more sophisticated writing style. All of the important elements are here, they just need to be developed. You have wonderful potential! Try us again in six months to a year.
I LOVE THIS! My mom read my manuscript and she said that she noticed how different my writing was from the beginning of the story to the end. It was so much more dramatic, it made more sense. It is like with anything I suppose, you just have to continue doing it to get better.
I guess I hoped to be the next 'Stephenie Meyer'....you know, bang away at the computer, pump out this amazing love story and ride off into the sunset. I know where these crazy dreams come from...it's my father in me! Big dreams...HUGE dreams...but none that came to fruition. I can't be sad though...I might not have written the greatest novel my first shot...but hey, I do have a manuscript. I have a beginning, a middle and an end. I have hooks. I have drama. I have love. I have sex scenes that made my Mom blush a little bit. And like the agent above stated - I have potential!
I just need to make this my new mantra...I have potential! I do! I WANT to be a published author...I want to have a book published. I want a story, my words to make someone feel like I did when I read 'The Help' or when I read 'The Year of the Fog'. I want to write compelling story lines and characters that are flawed and human. I have the potential...I have the drive...and now I even have my own laptop (thanks Mom) to make my dreams a reality.
One day, someone will come to this blog to find out how I got started and they will see that it takes just a few simple things...you have to want it, you have to believe in it, you have to have potential but most importantly you have to trust that you deserve it. I think that is where I need the most work. I don't believe that I deserve much. I never have! I have always wanted more for those around me and those that I love.
But, for now, for today and in these forty five minutes, I am being selfish and I am thinking of only myself and what I want. I allow myself to write whatever comes next...no internal editor. I just sit here and type...I have potential after all. I have the same potential that you do...just need to unleash and unlock it.
Thank you Tom Ray! Thank you for teaching me about dreams and that the bigger the dream the harder you must fight for it! I know you lost that battle so many times. I watched you fail. I watched you lose everything. I watched you fight to get it back. I also watched you lose. I watched you give up and I watched you leave this earth.
I know, as a daughter, how fortunate I am to know my father was no super hero. He was human. He was flawed with imperfection. He spent his entire adulthood running from his childhood. The more he fought not to be like his own father the more he morphed into someone I didn't recognize. Alcohol and hate do that to people. Alcohol sucks everything out of you and leaves you more empty than when you first raised the glass and placed your lips on it. I saw how empty his life became as everyone he knew and loved faded into the background.
He sucked as my father and he totally sucked at being a husband. He was never the provider we deserved either. He never put our needs above his own. He never made sacrifices for us. But, in the last five years of his life, he redeemed himself in my eyes. He was my friend. He was my confidant. We had weekly Sunday afternoon phone calls that we both looked forward to having. He was good to me, as good as anyone can hope for. I miss him everyday. While you grow into all the other roles we become in our lives, we always begin our journey as some one's child - a son or a daughter. And when we lose a parent, we lose a part of ourselves. I miss you Daddy. I know you would be proud of me! I am writing...I am living. I am trying to make my dreams come true. Say hi to Jesus for me...I know you are with him.
love and hugs,
k
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Not much to say....
I don't feel good today.....I haven't really felt good all week! I don't know what is wrong, but whenever my stomach hurts, I feel like the bottom is going to fall out. Almost dying does that to a person! I am so nauseated and feel so bad. I try to blow it off...keep working...keep writing...keep going. But, in the back of my head I wonder...is it a hernia? Is it blockage? Nothing is ever as simple as it really seems.
Simple surgery goes bad. People end up in comas and in the hospital for six months. No? You think not? Hmmmm, well then we haven't met! I know this happens because it happened to me! And whenever I feel bad...I'm scared too death something will be wrong...I will need surgery and I will have to make a decision....live with the nausea, live with the pain or take my chances with a surgeon!
See...when you sign all that paperwork that you HAVE to sign before you can have surgery...and they gloss over the risks....the 1 to 4% chance that something bad will happen. Bad things do happen. Things do go wrong...and people can die!
I didn't die....I was lucky. But the minute I don't know what is wrong with me I begin to panic...how do you trust someone who almost killed you? I don't mean that I would ever go back to HER again...but I just have a fear of doctors in general. And the one doctor I trust with my life...because he saved it twice...is in Fargo, ND! UGH!!
Sometimes it seems like it's just too much asking to feel better.....
love and hugs!
k
Simple surgery goes bad. People end up in comas and in the hospital for six months. No? You think not? Hmmmm, well then we haven't met! I know this happens because it happened to me! And whenever I feel bad...I'm scared too death something will be wrong...I will need surgery and I will have to make a decision....live with the nausea, live with the pain or take my chances with a surgeon!
See...when you sign all that paperwork that you HAVE to sign before you can have surgery...and they gloss over the risks....the 1 to 4% chance that something bad will happen. Bad things do happen. Things do go wrong...and people can die!
I didn't die....I was lucky. But the minute I don't know what is wrong with me I begin to panic...how do you trust someone who almost killed you? I don't mean that I would ever go back to HER again...but I just have a fear of doctors in general. And the one doctor I trust with my life...because he saved it twice...is in Fargo, ND! UGH!!
Sometimes it seems like it's just too much asking to feel better.....
love and hugs!
k
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Hardest Days....
Days like today make me feel defeated and like the worst mother in the world! I actually did two things I've been threatening to do...#1 I turned off my 16 (child #1) and 13 (child #2) year old's phones...no texting, no calling...no outside world! I find out later...from the smart mouth of the 16 year old...I can still text from my iTouch!
'Oh Awesome!' I say. 'I guess I can just cancel all your phones...save myself some money then!' He stomped off to his room....guess it wasn't the reaction his was looking for. #2 I removed my daughter's door from her room...'You slam it ONE more time and I will take it off'. She actually did it two nights ago....but I decided today to keep my word.
I've made so many mistakes as a Mom....but the biggest one, is NEVER following through! I rant, I rave, I swear, I scream and I THREATEN....but that is all they are! That is all they see my words as so it was time to 'back them up'...it didn't hurt that my 16 year old told me - 'You don't have the balls to do it!' I've always loved a challenge....so God gave me 3 of them!
Last night I tried to explain some things to my kiddos...the youngest one totally gets it. 'It's all a game. Mom just wants you to do what she asks and be loved. If you guys did that, then it would all be good.'
A game? It is isn't? If they play nice, do what I ask, when I ask....I crumble...I will do anything for them. But, too many days and weeks like the last three....and it's time to shut my mouth and my wallet! It's a bit liberating honestly...taking back the control in our home! Well, I didn't take it back...I 'resigned' from parenting duties for kids #1 and #2. They must go through Dad from now on. I needed a break! I needed to step back...regain my composure and common sense.
I want to see things 'glass half full' and I don't want to dread 4pm when the kids come home! These are the things no one talks about...no one tells you how really hard being the momma is! It is the hardest job you will ever love/hate/dread/embrace! I love my children all three of them...I love them differently, I love them equally, I love who they are, I love who they will someday be, I love having them in my life. I just have to take a break sometimes...this week I'm doing that. It's really no secret that this week and next will be ALL about me...milestone birthday next week....the BIG 4 0! I'm dreading it!!!
I'll let you know when my mommy sabbatical with #1 and #2 is over...however, #2...she's so smart! She understands the game more today....she was so sweet and so pleasant this afternoon...without her phone and without her door! She dusted, she swept, she mopped...all without any prompting.
Where is #1? He just posted on Facebook (via his iTouch 'why am i always messing up?') and he's upstairs in his room trying to figure out how to play the game....I have no doubt, when his ego takes a break...he'll figure it out.
All I want is a little less attitude, a little more respect sprinkled with a sincere "I'm Sorry", followed by a 'I love you, Mom'...
love and hugs,
k
'Oh Awesome!' I say. 'I guess I can just cancel all your phones...save myself some money then!' He stomped off to his room....guess it wasn't the reaction his was looking for. #2 I removed my daughter's door from her room...'You slam it ONE more time and I will take it off'. She actually did it two nights ago....but I decided today to keep my word.
I've made so many mistakes as a Mom....but the biggest one, is NEVER following through! I rant, I rave, I swear, I scream and I THREATEN....but that is all they are! That is all they see my words as so it was time to 'back them up'...it didn't hurt that my 16 year old told me - 'You don't have the balls to do it!' I've always loved a challenge....so God gave me 3 of them!
Last night I tried to explain some things to my kiddos...the youngest one totally gets it. 'It's all a game. Mom just wants you to do what she asks and be loved. If you guys did that, then it would all be good.'
A game? It is isn't? If they play nice, do what I ask, when I ask....I crumble...I will do anything for them. But, too many days and weeks like the last three....and it's time to shut my mouth and my wallet! It's a bit liberating honestly...taking back the control in our home! Well, I didn't take it back...I 'resigned' from parenting duties for kids #1 and #2. They must go through Dad from now on. I needed a break! I needed to step back...regain my composure and common sense.
I want to see things 'glass half full' and I don't want to dread 4pm when the kids come home! These are the things no one talks about...no one tells you how really hard being the momma is! It is the hardest job you will ever love/hate/dread/embrace! I love my children all three of them...I love them differently, I love them equally, I love who they are, I love who they will someday be, I love having them in my life. I just have to take a break sometimes...this week I'm doing that. It's really no secret that this week and next will be ALL about me...milestone birthday next week....the BIG 4 0! I'm dreading it!!!
I'll let you know when my mommy sabbatical with #1 and #2 is over...however, #2...she's so smart! She understands the game more today....she was so sweet and so pleasant this afternoon...without her phone and without her door! She dusted, she swept, she mopped...all without any prompting.
Where is #1? He just posted on Facebook (via his iTouch 'why am i always messing up?') and he's upstairs in his room trying to figure out how to play the game....I have no doubt, when his ego takes a break...he'll figure it out.
All I want is a little less attitude, a little more respect sprinkled with a sincere "I'm Sorry", followed by a 'I love you, Mom'...
love and hugs,
k
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Not going to win 'Mother of the Year'
In all the years I've been alive...I never realized just how hard being a parent is...and I don't necessarily mean a good parent. I just mean...being a parent. It's odd...no license required, no classes, no tests, no diploma, no GED...NOTHING...and you get this little person that you are responsible for. Then, that said cute little baby grows up...and then one day you are the shortest person in your house. You are also the one that yells the most and the loudest because it seems that your children have all gone deaf and you have become the single most insignificant human being in their worlds.
Teachers are 'crazy'! You act just like them...no one knows more than your children, especially not you! You can say, "No, you may not do blah blah blah". But, that is always met with...."OH MY GOD" followed by: "ARE YOU SERIOUS?" And then a "I HATE MY LIFE". Then the dreaded "I HATE YOU!!!" or the "Why did you have children? You HATE all of us".
In the moment...in the heat of the moment...sometimes, I must confess...I stomp my feet! HOW CAN YOU SAY THESE THINGS TO ME???
I think to myself....Don't you know I gave birth to you? Don't you know I would jump in front of a bullet for you? Don't you know I lie awake at night worrying about paying for insurance, college, weddings and cars ALL FOR YOU? Don't you know I would give up my life just so that you are happy....but you are NEVER happy and that makes me so sad. I wonder where I went wrong, what did I do? (My mom can answer this question...I was a TERRIBLE teenager of course I felt justified - Dad was an alcoholic, parents divorced....my life ruined - ok not really but I was a drama queen).
I don't think it's just karma, bad parenting and my total lack of patience anymore...I just don't know WHAT it is! I read all the time...I know these are the hardest years...BUT COME ON...it's terrible! I get on their level....my feelings get hurt...I am angry...I am sad. And yet they don't seem to care! grrrr
Love is a funny thing...you can totally love someone and totally not like them at the same time....I guess that is what is going on in my house full of teenagers...Lord, please give me strength....and a good glass of wine.
love and hugs,
k
Teachers are 'crazy'! You act just like them...no one knows more than your children, especially not you! You can say, "No, you may not do blah blah blah". But, that is always met with...."OH MY GOD" followed by: "ARE YOU SERIOUS?" And then a "I HATE MY LIFE". Then the dreaded "I HATE YOU!!!" or the "Why did you have children? You HATE all of us".
In the moment...in the heat of the moment...sometimes, I must confess...I stomp my feet! HOW CAN YOU SAY THESE THINGS TO ME???
I think to myself....Don't you know I gave birth to you? Don't you know I would jump in front of a bullet for you? Don't you know I lie awake at night worrying about paying for insurance, college, weddings and cars ALL FOR YOU? Don't you know I would give up my life just so that you are happy....but you are NEVER happy and that makes me so sad. I wonder where I went wrong, what did I do? (My mom can answer this question...I was a TERRIBLE teenager of course I felt justified - Dad was an alcoholic, parents divorced....my life ruined - ok not really but I was a drama queen).
I don't think it's just karma, bad parenting and my total lack of patience anymore...I just don't know WHAT it is! I read all the time...I know these are the hardest years...BUT COME ON...it's terrible! I get on their level....my feelings get hurt...I am angry...I am sad. And yet they don't seem to care! grrrr
Love is a funny thing...you can totally love someone and totally not like them at the same time....I guess that is what is going on in my house full of teenagers...Lord, please give me strength....and a good glass of wine.
love and hugs,
k
Day 2
I think I read that it takes doing something 21 times to make it a habit...so I here I am Day 2 of blogging. It's amazing all the things you can find out here in 'blogger world'. Everyone has a story. Everyone has an opinion. Everyone has a forum. I guess the Internet has brought 'freedom of speech' to a level that our ancestors could not have begun to imagine or conceive.
And here I am....another woman, another wanna be writer...out here in 'la la land', hoping that I will get followers...yeah, I don't have any yet! I guess I could announce it on my Facebook page or on twitter...or tell all my friends via email. Instead, I'm going to just let it lie...see who comes across, see if anyone I don't already know, finds my blog and finds me of any interest.
I have found that writing is absolutely the best therapy for me. Who knew? I can think of a few...my mom for one. She has always encouraged me to read and to write. She always said I had a 'gift of gab'. Oh wait! That has nothing to do with reading OR writing...that has to do with running my mouth about all things...things I know about, things I don't, people I know about, people I don't. I have never been the kind of person that likes the sound of their own voice, and most of the time, I don't go back and read what I have written either.
Spell check is the most awesome tool EVER! I just don't want to sound like a hick from the South. Oh yeah...I don't think I've told you that. I grew up in South Central Texas....for now, let's call it Joesville. (No, there is no such thing as 'Joesville', so don't bother telling me that, please).
When I lived there, I hated it. But looking back now, I'm grateful that I grew up there. I hate to think how much wilder I would have been in a big city! I was wild enough there! But, it was a good place to grow up. I see pictures and posts on Facebook from those who have stayed and are now raising their own kids there. I think that is awesome. It just wasn't for me. I remember those years...I think it would be weird to run into someone I was so awful to as a teen in the grocery store. I'm awful enough to people now! hee hee
Okay...enough for today.
I sent out some more Query Letters....nothing says LOSER like...Thanks but no Thanks. I know it only takes one YES...so come on one YES!
Until tomorrow....
Love and hugs,
k
And here I am....another woman, another wanna be writer...out here in 'la la land', hoping that I will get followers...yeah, I don't have any yet! I guess I could announce it on my Facebook page or on twitter...or tell all my friends via email. Instead, I'm going to just let it lie...see who comes across, see if anyone I don't already know, finds my blog and finds me of any interest.
I have found that writing is absolutely the best therapy for me. Who knew? I can think of a few...my mom for one. She has always encouraged me to read and to write. She always said I had a 'gift of gab'. Oh wait! That has nothing to do with reading OR writing...that has to do with running my mouth about all things...things I know about, things I don't, people I know about, people I don't. I have never been the kind of person that likes the sound of their own voice, and most of the time, I don't go back and read what I have written either.
Spell check is the most awesome tool EVER! I just don't want to sound like a hick from the South. Oh yeah...I don't think I've told you that. I grew up in South Central Texas....for now, let's call it Joesville. (No, there is no such thing as 'Joesville', so don't bother telling me that, please).
When I lived there, I hated it. But looking back now, I'm grateful that I grew up there. I hate to think how much wilder I would have been in a big city! I was wild enough there! But, it was a good place to grow up. I see pictures and posts on Facebook from those who have stayed and are now raising their own kids there. I think that is awesome. It just wasn't for me. I remember those years...I think it would be weird to run into someone I was so awful to as a teen in the grocery store. I'm awful enough to people now! hee hee
Okay...enough for today.
I sent out some more Query Letters....nothing says LOSER like...Thanks but no Thanks. I know it only takes one YES...so come on one YES!
Until tomorrow....
Love and hugs,
k
Monday, October 18, 2010
And so it begins
I'm not very good at keeping promises I make to myself, so today I thought that if I started a public blog, and wrote down my goals and such, that maybe it would help me stick to them.
Truth is...I will be 40 in 12 days! I really don't know how that happened. I don't feel that much different than I did when I graduated from high school. I still have hopes, dreams and aspirations. I've just been derailed a bit over the last twenty years. However, it's never too late...at least until my heart stops beating. Then and only then, will this life truly be over and will I not have the opportunity to adjust my hopes and dreams on a daily basis.
This much is true (at least for today):
I am fat (yes, I really, really am)
I am almost forty (like I said before...12 short days)
And more than anything else I want to be a published author...but for now, I am just a writer!
I completed a 108,363 word novel this summer. It is called 'Collide'. I think it's a GREAT book! I love my characters, Carsen and Christian. I love their story. I love their voices. I love their honesty and the fact that they own the mistakes they make, with little excuses. Of course, it takes them some time to figure out they made mistakes, need to be forgiven and need to step up. But, that's what makes it a good story.
I am writing another novel now. I am writing about how I almost died. TRUE story! That happened four years ago...and I guess I thought I would now be skinny and wealthy and have all the answers about life...like in the movies when a main character goes through some crazy trauma. Unfortunately, my life is NOT like the movies or the actors who play in them. Nothing about my life is glamorous or even remotely beautiful (well my children are).
So, here on this blog..I am promising to myself and whoever might take the time to read my words, these things:
#1. I will blog everyday...no matter how short or how long.
#2. I will be true to myself and always be honest
#3. I will write my novel everyday as well
As far as dieting...I find that when I'm writing...I eat a lot less, I am a lot less focused on food, when I am focused on writing. I lost 20lbs while writing the first novel. And while it might not ever get published, it will always remain my first novel! Getting the words down, that's the hardest part...if I get lucky and one day it gets published...well that's just the gravy!!
Some really inspiring words I found today that prompted my starting this blog and got my creative juices flowing again...
You need to set out to write for you and you alone. You need to set-out to write because it brings you personal joy. You need to do it for yourself and that has to be enough.
Maybe one day, I will believe that I am enough...
love and hugs,
k
Truth is...I will be 40 in 12 days! I really don't know how that happened. I don't feel that much different than I did when I graduated from high school. I still have hopes, dreams and aspirations. I've just been derailed a bit over the last twenty years. However, it's never too late...at least until my heart stops beating. Then and only then, will this life truly be over and will I not have the opportunity to adjust my hopes and dreams on a daily basis.
This much is true (at least for today):
I am fat (yes, I really, really am)
I am almost forty (like I said before...12 short days)
And more than anything else I want to be a published author...but for now, I am just a writer!
I completed a 108,363 word novel this summer. It is called 'Collide'. I think it's a GREAT book! I love my characters, Carsen and Christian. I love their story. I love their voices. I love their honesty and the fact that they own the mistakes they make, with little excuses. Of course, it takes them some time to figure out they made mistakes, need to be forgiven and need to step up. But, that's what makes it a good story.
I am writing another novel now. I am writing about how I almost died. TRUE story! That happened four years ago...and I guess I thought I would now be skinny and wealthy and have all the answers about life...like in the movies when a main character goes through some crazy trauma. Unfortunately, my life is NOT like the movies or the actors who play in them. Nothing about my life is glamorous or even remotely beautiful (well my children are).
So, here on this blog..I am promising to myself and whoever might take the time to read my words, these things:
#1. I will blog everyday...no matter how short or how long.
#2. I will be true to myself and always be honest
#3. I will write my novel everyday as well
As far as dieting...I find that when I'm writing...I eat a lot less, I am a lot less focused on food, when I am focused on writing. I lost 20lbs while writing the first novel. And while it might not ever get published, it will always remain my first novel! Getting the words down, that's the hardest part...if I get lucky and one day it gets published...well that's just the gravy!!
Some really inspiring words I found today that prompted my starting this blog and got my creative juices flowing again...
You need to set out to write for you and you alone. You need to set-out to write because it brings you personal joy. You need to do it for yourself and that has to be enough.
Maybe one day, I will believe that I am enough...
love and hugs,
k
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