I am not really freaking out because I'm turning 40! If I live to be 80 (Grandma B is 90) then I am half way there. If I live longer...not even half way there...I guess what is making me fret turning 40 is what I used to think being 40 meant.
Here is what I thought being 40 meant:
1. A grown up with all the answers
2. Confident and smart
3. Stable - both financially and emotionally
4. Content
5. Comfortable in who I am, where I am and where I've been
But, today, 5 days from 'F' day...and here is what I know:
1. I am NOT a real grown up yet...My Mom is...but I'm not and not only do I NOT have all the answers, I'm still asking questions
2. I waiver between raising my kids right and raising them wrong. I waiver on time lines when it comes to grounding them and I don't feel so smart 90% of the time
3. I am FAR from stable - in my head or in my checking account, my 401k, savings account, etc...FAR from it
4. Instead of content I feel scared and anxious - about my job, my kids, my finances, my writing....I hate feeling scared more than anything!
5. HA HA HA HA....I wonder if I will ever know how it feels to be proud of my body, my mind and my soul. I wonder if I will ever get the 'drive' to lose the weight I have so desperately wanted to lose for over 20 years now!
It's funny....when you are a kid you want to be a teenager, then you want to be an adult....and now, I'd LOVE for someone to hand me an allowance, let me sleep late and tell me what to do, when to do it and how to do it! I guess that is why they say ignorance is bliss....you think being an adult will give you all these choices...you just answer to different people, have different rules and the stakes are a lot higher!
But, on the flip side...I've accomplished a lot in 40 years as well...
1. Married to the same man for almost 17 years...been with him since I was 21! Almost with him, longer than without him....YEAH US!
2. I have 3 amazing beautiful, although mouthy children
3. We have managed to stay in the house I HAD to have and we can NOT afford
4. I almost died, spent 6 months in the hospital and am here to celebrate my 40th birth day...when I was given a 10% chance of survival (it was sepsis...surgical mistake...I'm sure I'll eventually tell that story)
5. I have survived the deaths of the three most important men of my childhood: Uncle Rick, Uncle John and my Daddy
Life is good...it really is! I need to embrace being 40...be proud of what I've done, where I've been and where I'm going...yeah....Life is good!
Happy Birthday to me! Please wear black on Saturday, as I mourn my youth!
love and hugs,
k
No comments:
Post a Comment